Believe me, I've made my share of mistakes. Other difficult experiences from my past pushed me into that place of numbness, where I didn't care what happened to me or what I did. I drank every night. I partied like crazy, and made so many mistakes. I have been there. This was my wake-up call. I wasn't struggling with these things anymore at the time I got pregnant, but I still struggled with men-or at least one in particular. Once I got pregnant, and then I wasn't in a place to give my child the life he deserved, I was motivated to turn it around.
Even though he has another family and other parents, I will still know Brody. Between God, Brody, and my family, I have all the inspiration I need to get it together. After something this difficult to face and bare, I am tired of learning the hard way. I am tired of being stubborn, and honestly just stupid.
I have never been that great with money-while I was young and didn't have bills I figured I'd spend it while I could enjoy it. That wasn't smart. I wish I would have saved growing up. I'd be in a much better position today. But thankfully, soon after my maternity leave, I started a new job that I completely love! I've already done so much better with money-I still need some more discipline, but I've come a long way.
I want to get into shape. After my body recovered from having a baby, I started working out. I struggled with doing it as diligently when I started my new job-but I'm finding the balance and am working on being healthier. It takes time, but I am slowly seeing results. It's a great feeling!
I have lost the desire to go out and party all the time. Part of it is just getting older, but most of it is the fact that I want to be a good role model for Brody. Not only that, I want to serve my purpose on this Earth. I want to bring glory to God. I've always had the desire, and I have always "tried". However, I always made idols out of relationships; not on purpose, and not really realizing it until later. Now, I'm just concerned with falling back in love with my Savior.
Brody is a huge part of this change. Not only do I want to be a good role model for him, and reach my calling, but because of Him, I better understand HOW that is possible. I always tried to earn God's love. I wanted to get right on my own, and then go to Him, perfect and flawless, and ready to be used. It doesn't work like that. God has the power to perfect us. We are flawed; He is the flawless one. I had it backwards, completely.
By having a child that allowed me to experience a new type of love on a completely new level, I understand how much God loves me. There were so many times I "ignored" God, not because I was mad at him, but because I was mad at myself. I had done too much; I messed up too much; I wasn't worthy of His love or forgiveness. I wasn't; none of us are, but He chooses to love us regardless. And, well, He IS God, so He pretty much has the power to make that call. It's not up to us, thankfully. Understanding that there is absolutely NOTHING Brody could do to make me stop loving Him-yes, I may get mad, disappointed, or sad, but I will always love him-made me realize there is nothing I could do to make God stop loving me.
Just like children have to be disciplined, God disciplines us. However, it doesn't last forever, and it is for our benefit. It doesn't mean His love is gone; it's actually proof of His love. Now that I have been disciplined, He is loving on me and blessing me like crazy. He is restoring me. It's so refreshing and amazing!
Thank you Brody for helping me to gain a new understanding of God's love. Thank you for being a part of my motivation. I love you. You bring out the best in me!