Saturday, August 31, 2013

A Season (or lifetime) of Singleness

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First of all, I'm sure some of you are wondering, "What does dating have to do with adoption?"  However, dating in an ungodly way is how I ended up having a child outside of wedlock that I couldn't take care of the way God wanted me to.  Secondly, this blog is about my journey through this situation. Unfortunately I am stubborn, and this is what it took for me to learn.  I am hoping others can learn from my mistakes so they don't have to learn the hard way.

Now, I also want to make it clear that ungodly relationships and sex outside of marriage were the parts that were sin.  Brody is not a sin or a mistake or anything bad.  He is a great blessing, and adoption is a great thing.  But the situations usually arise because of sin.  Children are ALWAYS a blessing from God even when the "situation" isn't. 

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I always wanted children, until I became an adult.  Then that desire slowly left me.  Sometimes I wonder if it because God knew what would happen later, so he took that desire away so I would be able to do what was best for Brody.  I am not sure.  I wanted Brody.  I fought against God on it, and tried to make it happen to where I could keep him.  Ultimately, I couldn't.  My love for him is no less just because I didn't want children.  You feel differently about a child you create that grows inside of you and you deliver.  That kind of love can't just go away because initially the desire wasn't there.
However, ever since I had Brody, I don't desire to have other children later in life.  In fact, I think I want other children even less.  First of all, if I can't have him, I don't really want anyone else.  Secondly, I don't want to risk making him feel uncomfortable or unloved.  Several people in my life tell me God will change my heart when the time is right.  I respectfully disagree, however, I am willing to be proven wrong IF that's God's desire for my life.
Regardless of if I am to have children later in life or not is not completely relevant right now.  I am nowhere close to being married, which leads me to my topic: Singleness.
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I know I am in a season of singleness.  I think it is possible that God may be calling me to a lifetime of singleness, and I am completely okay with that.  And let me tell you, that, in and of itself, is a miracle.  I have always wanted to be a wife more than anything else in this world.  Now, I just want to be used by God and be in His will.  If that means that I am not meant to get married, then so be it!  I haven't gotten a clear cut answer on that from God yet, so I don't know.  Either way, I am willing to do what He wants.  Either way I will follow His will.  However, recently I have had an interest and a heart for doing foster care for older children.  I wouldn't be able to do that without a husband, so who knows.  Only God for now.
It is so great to actually be single, and be single.  Let me explain:  I have never truly been single in all that that requires.  Even when I haven't had a boyfriend, I was talking to someone, or had a crush on someone that eventually became all I cared about.  I was constantly flirting with guys and looking for the next person I could possibly date.  That's not being SINGLE!
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Some leassons for those of you in a season of singleness:

1. Actually be single.  

In our society it is normal to see sex and flirting and teasing as common, casual things.  We see nothing wrong it, because that's how society is.  Society says, "I don't have time for relationships but I need companionship" or "Marriage doesn't last; but I want to have fun while we still get along."  That is not healthy for anyone, nor is it how God intended it to be.  You have to change the way you look at dating and interacting with the opposite sex.  If you are single, act single.  There shouldn't be physical contact with a person of the opposite sex that you are not in a relationship with-and if it's not a marriage, that physical contact should be very minimal.  You don't have try to get the attention of guys.  When it's the right one, God will work out the details.  The man you are intended to be with will notice you.  A crush doesn't have to consume your every thought and action.  A guy who isn't interested in committing to you shouldn't get all of your time and attention.  Be single.  Focus on you-your goals, your dreams, your growth, your friends, your family, etc. 

2.  Stay faithful to your husband.

You may be thinking, okay, you are talking about how to be single, so clearly there is no husband.  No, not yet.  But chances are, there will be.  Nobody deserves or has a right to all of until you have all of them.  You date in order to find a spouse.  Don't act married when you aren't.  It's not fair to you, your future spouse, the other person, or the other person's spouse.  Just think about that.

3.  Enjoy that time!!

Singleness is a gift!  For most, it only lasts for a while, and that time is precious.  It is healthy to go into a relationship knowing who you are and having and individual identity.  It's not good to go into a relationship making the other person your whole life.  When you get married you make a person a part of your life.  You have to have something to offer-which means you have to be established in your personality, your beliefs, your hobbies, your friends, and so many other areas of life.

Also, while being single, it is a great time to grow in Christ.  Christ should be at the center of every marriage anyway, so if He's not first in life beforehand, how do you expect to make that work?  Use the time wisely and seek God and grow in Him!

4.  Trust God.

God will bring you the right person in the right timing. You have to trust Him.  Don't try and force it.  It won't work.  God knows the desires of your heart; we just have to be patient with Him.  His ways are always best.

5.  Don't prolong your singleness.

What I mean by this is that usually if we don't follow 1-4, chances are we are just prolonging our time of singleness.  If you aren't happy with yourself, how can you expect someone else to be?  If you haven't allowed God to be a part of your life, how can he make you the wife you need to be for the type of husband you desire?  If you aren't acting single when you are single, how can you be available for the right person when they come along?  Do you see how it all fits together?

Understand, that I again, have done everything the opposite of what I have recommended.  Therefore, I know from experience.  Don't learn the hard way.  Trust God and enjoy your life.  He will make it happen when the time is right!

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