Saturday, June 8, 2013

The Hardest Part

If you are a birth-mother planning to adopt there are so many difficult things you will eventually have to face.  But there are also ways to deal with them.  I think for everyone it's a little different, but here are the five hardest things I struggled with throughout my experience so far:

1. Not being the best thing for my child.

There is nothing in this world that feels worse than knowing that you can't provide the basic needs every child deserves for your own flesh and blood.  It's absolutely heart-breaking.  This is especially hard since this wasn't a teen pregnancy, but rather I was 24 when I had Brody.  Why was I not at a place where I could take care of a child?  Why was I at a place where I couldn't even provide for myself?  This was a huge wake up call.

2. Knowing SOMEONE ELSE would bring joy, happiness, comfort, and peace to my child.  

Seeing a smile on Brody's face that I didn't put there, or knowing that his security is coming from someone else, that was hard.  I want to be the one to provide all of those things for him.  I want to be the one he trusts more than anyone.  I wanted all of those things.  Nobody could teach him or love him like could-or so that's how you feel. 

3. The what-ifs and could have beens.

I finally got a good full-time job right at the end of my maternity leave.  Part of me was screaming inside like really?  NOW I could provide for him-it would be hard, but I could.  This isn't fair.  I should have waited... All of those thoughts will go through your mind.  Later on in life, as you become more independent and successful, you wonder if you should have stuck it out. You wonder if the struggle for a few years would have been okay, because maybe you would be able to make up for it later.

4. Dealing with other people and their judgement.

Most of the people in my life have been completely supportive of my decision.  However, there are some who think I took the easy way out.  Haha! Oh how they don't understand.  This is the hardest thing a person could ever have to do, and it's very sacrificial.  To have others look down on you for it-not so fun.

5. The sting on those "special days."

Everyday without your child is hard, but there are a few days that are harder than others.  You have mothers day, your birthday, your child's birthday, Christmas, holidays... and countless others.  Those days are intense.  Those days are a little less bearable.  

So how do you deal with those things?  In my next post I will dig deeper into my healing process, and how I've dealt with these obstacles.

In the meantime, I am interested in what the hardest parts are for other birthmothers.  Especially those who have been on this journey for a while.  Brody is only 3 months old.  I'm still new to this.  How do you cope?  I would love to know your story!


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