Realizing Restoration is a Realistic Desire

This next post is a little more intense and very personal.  It definitely takes God to realize my faults, to realize why people reacted the way they did to my situation, and to not get defensive about it.  I'm going to talk about how my family reacted to me being pregnant.  But I am also going to talk about how ultimately, it brought us even closer together.  I have invited each of my family members to write a post that I will spotlight talking about their journeys through all of this, so you can see other perspectives and how restoration came to each of us full circle.  Those are to come later!

Since there is so much to tell, I am breaking it up into multiple posts.  I am going to start with my brother and his wife:

My brother was mad.  My dad told him one day a few hours before we were going to have a family get together.  My dad had to walk around with him for a few hours while he cooled off.  However, he never showed that anger to me.  I just heard about that.  We haven't talked in depth about how he felt, but just from the conversations we have had about past mistakes I've made, I know his anger was mostly out of love.  How could I have so little respect for myself?  How could I put my family through this after everything else I had put them through?  What was I thinking?  How was I going to handle this?  I know that's how he felt and what he was thinking, a long with plenty of other things I am sure.  When it came down to it, he was fully supportive though.  As I mentioned in a previous blog post, one day we were driving to lake, and he told me, yes he was disappointed, but no matter what I am his sister and he loves me and he's here for me and he has my back.  I know he would defend me against anyone, even thought I hurt him so much.  What a great example of God's love for us.  Truly.  I have so much respect for my brother.  

We also had several conversations that were hard to hear, but that I definitely needed to hear.  He talked about how much everyone loved me, but they were all hurt, and it was going to take a lot for them to learn to trust me again.  That's hard to hear, but it was true, and I am glad he was brave enough to lovingly tell me what I needed to hear.  I NEEDED to know how my actions affected those around me; and now looking back, it just confirms how much I am loved by my family members.  Thank you Robbie for your strength, love, and loyalty.  I love you!


Eventually things got better.  We went to an Alabama football game together with some friends and family and had a great time.  We spent a lot of time together, and continue to do so.  It's amazing how close we have gotten.  I am so thankful for that!  We were close when we were younger, but then I started down a path where I was living a destructive lifestyle, and we grew apart.  My brother and his wife are two of funnest most amazing people I know.  It's great to have them back in my life in a deeper way.  We don't just see each other on occasion anymore.  We are friends, as well as family.  If I don't see him at least once a week I start to miss him.  

As for his wife, Joanna, she has a very sincere and compassionate heart.  She and my brother balance each other very well.  I am sure she was disappointed, but she always showered me in love and encouragement, and she didn't bring it up unless I wanted to talk about it.  She, along with everyone else, encouraged and supported my decision with adoption.  Her adorable, fun-loving personality lightened the mood when things were tense.  I know she played a huge support role for my brother.  She also played a huge role in helping me to see how great the whole adoption situation was... for what the situation was, it played out flawlessly.  You couldn't have asked for it to go better.  I love my sister-in-law so much.  She has an amazing heart.  She is super creative and crazy fun!  She is a blessing!  The balance of her love while everyone else was expressing UNDERSTANDABLE disappointment was definitely needed.  Thank you Jo!

 

A Defining Moment

I am a birthmother.  It's so easy to see myself as just that.  It's such a huge role.  There is not a day that passes that Brody isn't on my mind.  He's my love.  However, that's not all I am.

I am an employee at ESS.  I am a sister.  I am a sister-in-law.  I am a daughter.  I am a friend.  I am a child of the King. I am a writer.  I am a dancer. Every person has several roles they take on in life that are a part of who they are.  They are not defined purely by one of those roles, but by a combination of each of them.  And even outside of who you are to others, you are an individual, with your own dreams and desires; likes and dislikes.

I think one of the most destructive things we can do as birthmothers is to see ourselves as nothing more than that.  The shame, the guilt, the regret-all of that becomes the catalyst behind every thought and decision made.  It can lead to destructive behaviors. 

We don't have to let our mistakes, our past, or even one single role define us.  Embrace what you have done for your child-the selfless, loving act.  Don't be ashamed of it.  But don't let it be the only way you see yourself either.  You don't have to give up on your dreams or yourself.  

Being a birth-mother is a part of who you are; an important part.  But it's not ALL of who you are.  Don't lose sight of all of who are!  Embrace it!

Picture from www.freedomcounselingusa.com

 

Blog Spotlight

So today I was surprised with an email from americaadopts.com.  They interviewed me and featured my blog on their site!!  I am so excited!!  You can view my interview at www.americaadopts.com/blog.  I am not sure how long it will be posted on their site, so go look at it while you can!!  Also, they have blogs from so many different people available on their site.   I highly recommend this site if you are going through an adoption situation.  There is advice for birthmothers, adoptive mothers, others' stories, and just great inspiration.  Check it out!!

The Overall Healing Process

Today I was reading a chapter in Breaking Free by Beth Moore.  It's a wonderful book!  I highly recommend it.  Brody's adoptive mother gave it to me in the hospital when I had him, and I am so glad she did!  It was very sweet!

Picture from www.visionlifebookstore.com

In this book she talks about the freedom we have in Christ and how to obtain it.  In the particular chapter I was reading today, "Straight to the Heart" Beth Moore talks about the verse that says, "He sent me to bind up the brokenhearted."  She talks about how the Hebrew word for broken means '"to burst, break into pieces, wreck, crush, smash; to rend, tear in pieces (like a wild beast)'".  Then she talks about how the word for bind up means "'to bind on, wrap around; bind up as a wound, bandage, cover, envelope, enclose...to compress,...to stop"'.   She then continues to explain, "God defines a broken heart...as one that is hemorrhaging.  Compressing the hemorrhaging heart is the idea of applying pressure to a badly bleeding wound...A crushing hurt comes, and the sympathizing, scarred hand of Christ presses the wound; and for just a moment, the pain seems to intensify...but finally the bleeding stops."

How great is her analogy?  There have been times that I've "felt guilty" for how well I've done, and how quickly I was at peace after giving away my child.  I talk to other birthmothers, and I think, "What's wrong with me?  Am I heartless?"

I can't feel that way.  When God heals, it's permanent.  I'm not going to take that away from Him.  It was nothing I did.  It's not because of my strength or determination; it is because of His power and faithfulness.  I prayed daily, over and over again, "God, heal my heart.  Let me let you heal me.  Don't let me block you.  Heal my heart. Let me let you; let me let you..."  Over and over again.  And He did!!  I'm so thankful.  The intense pain from being without Brody made me useless.  There is no way I would have my new job or any motivation to do anything productive if God wouldn't have done that.  I am able to walk in peace because it was truly God that restored me, and that can't be broken or taken away.

I am so thankful for the healing He has brought to my heart.  I am thankful for the motivation He has given me.  I am thankful for His guidance and his love.  Without it all, there is no telling where I would be.

Have you thanked God today?  Maybe He brought restoration to you in a completely different area of your own life.  Either way, never forget what He has done for you.  Never feel guilty for what He has done in you.  Don't let your past hold you back.  Let HIM heal you, and thank Him for it everyday!

Coping With the "Special Days"

Number five on my hardest parts list was:


5. The sting on those "special days."

Everyday without your child is hard, but there are a few days that are harder than others.  You have mothers day, your birthday, your child's birthday, Christmas, holidays... and countless others.  Those days are intense.  Those days are a little less bearable.  

Picture from www.123rf.com

Considering Brody was only born in February, I have only had to deal with Mother's Day and my birthday thus far.  On my birthday I didn't really have much of a reaction.  I was basically numb.  Didn't really celebrate with friends or anything.  As far as mother's day, I allowed myself to be distracted.  I made a point to be busy.  I don't think it ever fully hit me.  

I don't completely have an answer for this one yet.  I'm still learning.  I know Christmas and next February are going to be very hard-But I know God will get me through it just like he does every other day! :)

Coping With Other People and Their Judgment

Number four on my hardest parts list was as follows:

4. Dealing with other people and their judgement.

Most of the people in my life have been completely supportive of my decision.  However, there are some who think I took the easy way out.  Haha! Oh how they don't understand.  This is the hardest thing a person could ever have to do, and it's very sacrificial.  To have others look down on you for it-not so fun.

The way I deal with this, honestly, is just to ignore it.  The people that really matter, they support you and love you no matter what.  Even those that don't agree with your choice, if they love you, they don't belittle you for it.  Most of the people who did give me a hard time for it are people who I haven't spoken to in years, people who don't know me very well, or my situation-so they really have no room to talk.

The thing that you have to realize is that it is YOUR decision.  It affects you, your family, and your child.  Anyone outside of that, doesn't matter.  

Also, if you have ever met a family who was not able to have kids, and adopted, then you know how much of a blessing you are to the family you choose.  I remember when I got pregnant, I was like, "Why am I able to have kids when I don't want to have children, and there are so many women out there who can't that wish they could?  I wish I could trade places with them."  I don't feel that way anymore.  I think Brody's adoptive family can appreciate him in an even deeper way since they couldn't have him on their own.  I now understand why people want children, and what a blessing they are, and I have experienced love on a completely different level.

I am thankful for this situation, and I am stronger for it.  Nobody else can take that away from me no matter what they say or think about the situation.  And anyone is this situation, anyone who has felt this kind of loss, you know that it's not selfish.  You know how difficult this is and how much strength it takes.  It's ok to recognize that in yourself.  Don't let other people take that away from you.  You are amazing!  You are strong! You are self-less!  You have a huge loving heart!  Can those people say the same thing about themselves?  Don't let it get to you.  Focus on who you are in Christ and the gift you've given your child and another family.  You are a blessing!

Coping With the What-Ifs

So on my list of the hardest parts of adoption, a part from, of course just being without Brody, number three is the following:

3. The what-ifs and could have beens.

I finally got a good full-time job right at the end of my maternity leave.  Part of me was screaming inside like really?  NOW I could provide for him-it would be hard, but I could.  This isn't fair.  I should have waited... All of those thoughts will go through your mind.  Later on in life, as you become more independent and successful, you wonder if you should have stuck it out. You wonder if the struggle for a few years would have been okay, because maybe you would be able to make up for it later.

Picture from onproductmanagement.net

First of all, you can't dwell on these things; they will break you down so fast.  And you don't know how things would have turned out.  Realistically, even with this job I couldn't provide well for Brody and I; daycare alone would kill me.  We would be living with my family for most of his life.  That wouldn't be a quality life for him.  It would be a struggle just to get by, much less be able to afford for him to play sports and do other fun stuff all children should have the opportunity to do. 

Second of all, the biggest way I cope with this is the fact that I know I was in God's will.  What if I did keep him, and we did survive, and even excell, but because he didn't have a father he became a womanizer?  That would be so sad.  And I would have to live with the fact that it was because I was selfish, and didn't want to obey God.  I'm not saying I don't think single mothers should raise their children, but I am saying that was one of my biggest convictions.  God designed families the way he did for a reason.  It's a 2 person job, and it requires the strengths of a man and the strengths of a woman.  They are so different, but together, its perfect.  I understand things happen, and sometimes you have to raise a child on your own, but in this particular situation, I don't know why, but is was absolutely required that Brody have a mother and a father.

Knowing that the what-ifs would end in destruction for Brody if I would have kept him give me peace for this.  I just know that I can't expect prosperity in disobedience.  I am not willing to risk Brody's soul for my selfishness.

For every person coping with this is different, because everyone decides on adoption for different reasons and has different convictions.  But you just have to trust your decision, trust the adoptive family, and trust God.  Don't dwell on what you can't change.  It will poison your heart and take your joy.

Coping With Someone Else Doing My Job

Number 2 on my hardest parts list was the following:

2. Knowing SOMEONE ELSE would bring joy, happiness, comfort, and peace to my child.  

Seeing a smile on Brody's face that I didn't put there, or knowing that his security is coming from someone else, that was hard.  I want to be the one to provide all of those things for him.  I want to be the one he trusts more than anyone.  I wanted all of those things.  Nobody could teach him or love him like could-or so that's how you feel.

Picture from 123rf.com

Coping With This:

First of all, you have to accept it.  Second of all, be happy for your child.  I am so glad that Brody IS LOVED!  I wouldn't want him with a family that didn't want to make him laugh or be his comfort.  Think of the alternative, and it makes it easier to deal with.  But thirdly, realize that ultimately you did do these things for him.  The family that Brody is with is a family that I hand-picked for him.  I made sure they would be perfect for him.  I allowed them to take him and raise him.  I wanted to ensure he'd have a happy life, so I provided him with a family that would give him that.  It's not as directly as I would like it to be, but I still had a part in providing these things for him.  You just have to realize that, and remind yourself of that when it gets hard.

Coping With Not Being the Best Thing for Your Child

I recently posted the 5 hardest parts of dealing with this situation.  Here's number one:

1. Not being the best thing for my child.

There is nothing in this world that feels worse than knowing that you can't provide the basic needs every child deserves for your own flesh and blood.  It's absolutely heart-breaking.  This is especially hard since this wasn't a teen pregnancy, but rather I was 24 when I had Brody.  Why was I not at a place where I could take care of a child?  Why was I at a place where I couldn't even provide for myself?  This was a huge wake up call.

How I'm coping with it:

Instead of feeling sorry for myself, and moping, and continuing this pattern of getting nowhere in life, I allowed this to be my motivation.  I intend to never get pregnant outside of marriage again, but if for some crazy reason it did happen, I wouldn't have to give another child away.  I job searched like crazy-it was my full-time job to find a full-time job.  And thankfully, I did!  And it's one I thoroughly enjoy!  I love going to work everyday!

 Picture from bargainbabe.com

I am also working on getting into shape.  I want to look and feel better.  I want to be a good example for Brody.  I may not see him everyday, but I will still be a part of his life.  

 Picture from zingerbug.com

I want Brody to be able to be proud of me one day.  I want to earn his respect.  I want him to know that he encouraged me to be a better person, just by existing.  

There are several other ways I want to improve myself and my life, but the point is life is hard.  You have to use the tough stuff to make you stronger.  Don't stay defeated.  Let your mistakes have a purpose.  I know it is easier said than done, but it's definitely possible!  You can do it!  

The Hardest Part

If you are a birth-mother planning to adopt there are so many difficult things you will eventually have to face.  But there are also ways to deal with them.  I think for everyone it's a little different, but here are the five hardest things I struggled with throughout my experience so far:

1. Not being the best thing for my child.

There is nothing in this world that feels worse than knowing that you can't provide the basic needs every child deserves for your own flesh and blood.  It's absolutely heart-breaking.  This is especially hard since this wasn't a teen pregnancy, but rather I was 24 when I had Brody.  Why was I not at a place where I could take care of a child?  Why was I at a place where I couldn't even provide for myself?  This was a huge wake up call.

2. Knowing SOMEONE ELSE would bring joy, happiness, comfort, and peace to my child.  

Seeing a smile on Brody's face that I didn't put there, or knowing that his security is coming from someone else, that was hard.  I want to be the one to provide all of those things for him.  I want to be the one he trusts more than anyone.  I wanted all of those things.  Nobody could teach him or love him like could-or so that's how you feel. 

3. The what-ifs and could have beens.

I finally got a good full-time job right at the end of my maternity leave.  Part of me was screaming inside like really?  NOW I could provide for him-it would be hard, but I could.  This isn't fair.  I should have waited... All of those thoughts will go through your mind.  Later on in life, as you become more independent and successful, you wonder if you should have stuck it out. You wonder if the struggle for a few years would have been okay, because maybe you would be able to make up for it later.

4. Dealing with other people and their judgement.

Most of the people in my life have been completely supportive of my decision.  However, there are some who think I took the easy way out.  Haha! Oh how they don't understand.  This is the hardest thing a person could ever have to do, and it's very sacrificial.  To have others look down on you for it-not so fun.

5. The sting on those "special days."

Everyday without your child is hard, but there are a few days that are harder than others.  You have mothers day, your birthday, your child's birthday, Christmas, holidays... and countless others.  Those days are intense.  Those days are a little less bearable.  

So how do you deal with those things?  In my next post I will dig deeper into my healing process, and how I've dealt with these obstacles.

In the meantime, I am interested in what the hardest parts are for other birthmothers.  Especially those who have been on this journey for a while.  Brody is only 3 months old.  I'm still new to this.  How do you cope?  I would love to know your story!

 

You Bring Out The Best In Me

Completely understandably, a lot of birth-mothers resort to a deep depression that leads to drugs, alcohol, neglect, and so many other heart-breaking things.  As I share this post, I am in no way saying I am better than those women at all, but I am blessed in that it had the opposite affect on me.  

Picture from forum.xcitefun.net

Believe me, I've made my share of mistakes.  Other difficult experiences from my past pushed me into that place of numbness, where I didn't care what happened to me or what I did.  I drank every night.  I partied like crazy, and made so many mistakes.  I have been there.  This was my wake-up call.  I wasn't struggling with these things anymore at the time I got pregnant, but I still struggled with men-or at least one in particular.  Once I got pregnant, and then I wasn't in a place to give my child the life he deserved, I was motivated to turn it around.

Even though he has another family and other parents, I will still know Brody.  Between God, Brody, and my family, I have all the inspiration I need to get it together.  After something this difficult to face and bare, I am tired of learning the hard way.  I am tired of being stubborn, and honestly just stupid.  

I have never been that great with money-while I was young and didn't have bills I figured I'd spend it while I could enjoy it.  That wasn't smart.  I wish I would have saved growing up.  I'd be in a much better position today.  But thankfully, soon after my maternity leave, I started a new job that I completely love!  I've already done so much better with money-I still need some more discipline, but I've come a long way.  

I want to get into shape.  After my body recovered from having a baby, I started working out.  I struggled with doing it as diligently when I started my new job-but I'm finding the balance and am working on being healthier.  It takes time, but I am slowly seeing results.  It's a great feeling!

I have lost the desire to go out and party all the time.  Part of it is just getting older, but most of it is the fact that I want to be a good role model for Brody.  Not only that, I want to serve my purpose on this Earth.  I want to bring glory to God.  I've always had the desire, and I have always "tried".  However, I always made idols out of relationships; not on purpose, and not really realizing it until later.  Now, I'm just concerned with falling back in love with my Savior.

Brody is a huge part of this change.  Not only do I want to be a good role model for him, and reach my calling, but because of Him, I better understand HOW that is possible.  I always tried to earn God's love.  I wanted to get right on my own, and then go to Him, perfect and flawless, and ready to be used.  It doesn't work like that.  God has the power to perfect us.  We are flawed; He is the flawless one.  I had it backwards, completely.  

By having a child that allowed me to experience a new type of love on a completely new level, I understand how much God loves me.  There were so many times I "ignored" God, not because I was mad at him, but because I was mad at myself.  I had done too much; I messed up too much; I wasn't worthy of His love or forgiveness.  I wasn't; none of us are, but He chooses to love us regardless.  And, well, He IS God, so He pretty much has the power to make that call.  It's not up to us, thankfully.  Understanding that there is absolutely NOTHING Brody could do to make me stop loving Him-yes, I may get mad, disappointed, or sad, but I will always love him-made me realize there is nothing I could do to make God stop loving me.

Just like children have to be disciplined, God disciplines us.  However, it doesn't last forever, and it is for our benefit.  It doesn't mean His love is gone; it's actually proof of His love.  Now that I have been disciplined, He is loving on me and blessing me like crazy.  He is restoring me.  It's so refreshing and amazing!

Thank you Brody for helping me to gain a new understanding of God's love.  Thank you for being a part of my motivation.  I love you.  You bring out the best in me!

 Picture from thecrunchysoap.wordpress.com

March 12, 2013

Picture from www.studentbranding.com

Brody,

Today is my 25th birthday.  People keep asking me what I want for my birthday, and all I want is you.  I just want to see you, hold you, and love on you.  Your mom sent me a picture of you today, and it's amazing how much have grown in just 2 weeks!  You are so cute and adorable!  You're such a precious blessing!  I miss you soo much!  You are always on my mind and always in my thoughts and prayers.  It's so hard to put into words the way I feel.  There's a huge hole and void in my heart from being without you.  Outside of God's love for us, there is no love as intense as the love you feel for your child.  NOTHING compares to and it cannot be adequately expressed in words or explained.  

Not having you with me-being your mom but not your mommy (there is a difference)- breaks my heart.  On the flip side, I'm so happy for you.  You have 2 families that flipping love and adore and will go to battle for you and take care of you!  You are so blessed with so much love and support.  You will have so many opportunities in life!  I'm glad you will have that.  It still hurts though-knowing I won't be your comfort, who you go to for advice, or when you are scared or sad or happy.  It hurts to know I wasn't the best thing/person/mom for you.  That pain and that void will never fully go away.  I will always see you as partly mine.  I may not get to raise you or see you everyday, but you will always be a huge part of my life and my heart; daily I think about you and miss you.  I can't wait until I can see you again!  I will cherish every moment I get with you. 

You are so amazing!  You are the love of my life!  You are my world!  Thankfully Jesus has given me peace and is slowly healing my heart.  I will always feel some type of pain from not having been able to keep you, but God has made it bearable.  I know this was His will and it will somehow bring glory to His name.  I know you have a big calling on your life and His hand is upon you.  I love you and I miss you!  You are a precious blessing-never forget that!

Love Always,

Me!

March 3, 2013

Image from www.studentbranding.com

Dear Baby Brody,

The love a mother feels for her child cannot be defined, planned for, expressed in words, or understood by someone who hasn't experienced it.  I am completely overwhelmed by love for you.  Not having you here with me is very difficult, because I think about you and miss you every moment of every day.

In the hospital someone was changing your clothes and you didn't like it.  You were crying and it sounded so sad and pitiful.  I hated seeing you so upset.  I gave you my fingers, and you grabbed them with your tiny little hands.  I rubbed your face with my thumbs and talked to you to try and comfort you.  It calmed you down.  In ways, it breaks my heart that that will be the only time I get to comfort you and make you feel better.  I will always cherish and remember that moment.  It's hard knowing I won't be the one you run to when you are scared, hurt, happy, excited, or anything else.  It's hard knowing I won't get to teach you all about life or be there for all of your firsts.  It is absolutely one of the hardest things a person can have to do.  However, I know you will be comforted when you are hurt and taught so many wonderful things.  I know I am being obedient to God, and I know I can trust your new parents with you.  So many children don't have the things you do-the love and support and the Godly teaching and the loving families.  As hard as it is to be without you, I have peace knowing you are taken care of and loved so much!  I am so thankful for that.

I am also thankful for what having you has taught me.  The love I have for you cannot compare to the love God has for us.  The love I have for you does, however, exceed the love I have ever felt for anyone else.  It's so intense and so strong and so amazing.  It cannot be broken.  There is literally not a thing you could do to make me stop loving you.  Understanding this kind of unconditional love helps me to better understand how much God loves and cherishes me.  That is a huge gift-so I thank you for that.

I am so in awe of you!  I still can't believe I made you!  It's such an incredible feeling!  And I have to say, you're pretty cute!  I'm so glad I made a good-looking baby! :)  It's just a life-changing experience to bring life into this world!  You have no idea how special you are to me, and how because of you I will be changed for the better forever!  You are precious, and I love and adore you!

Love,

Your birth-mother, Kadie