Tuesday, May 28, 2013

The Calm After The Storm

I never wanted kids.  At least not in my adult life.  However, that completely changes once you have a child growing inside of you.  Even when he was a tiny little peanut I was completely in love with him.  He was my baby.  I made him.  Now that he was here, how could I ever live without him?

 Picture from firstcovers.com

When I first told my family about the new little bun in the oven, it was intense.  But the storm did pass...eventually.  After that we had to really get serious about what we were going to do about the situation.  At the time I was working a part-time job and MAYBE made a thousand dollars a month.  Those of you who have children, know that isn't a lot to raise a child off of.  Daycare would take up the vast majority of that.  Not only that, but I was still living with my parents.  I couldn't hardly take care of myself, much less a whole other life.  A brand new one, that had to depend on someone else for its survival.  What if I couldn't do it?  I prayed about it.  A lot.  I know God told me what I needed to do.  I wanted to find a way around it though.  I tried.  For the longest, I thought I was going to be able to keep him!  I was so happy!  Scared, but excited! 

At one of the ultra-sounds I got a video that had his heart-beat on it.  I watched and listened to it over and over and over again.  That was my baby!  My sweet sweet boy!  That was his heart beat!  I created a living human being! I created a miracle!

Then the reality hit, crushing my heart in the process.  I knew that I couldn't keep him.  There is no way I could have given him the life he deserved.  And he deserved the best!  Plus I know God wanted me to do adoption.  If I ignored God again, how could I expect to survive?  How could I expect my child to fulfill his calling on his life?  How could I expect disobedience to prosper?  I couldn't.

It was the end of December and I was due at the end of February.  How could I find the perfect family in that short of an amount of time?  This child deserved the absolute best people in the world.  After-all he is the best gift; he is my favorite human being in the whole world.  He couldn't just have a good family or a great family; they had to be perfect.  God is good.  He brought that perfect family my way.  It was so easy to find them too!  A family friend connected us.  I had looked at their profile, and I was very impressed.  Then we decided to meet up with them.  We had one meal with them.  One meal.  That's it.  When we got in the car to leave my mom said, "So what did you think?"  I said, "I think I don't need to talk to anymore families.  They are it."  And I will never regret that decision.

Trusting someone to take care of your child is hard.  You get nick-picky about little things-things that aren't necessarily wrong or right.  You wonder if someone can teach him all the important things that you know you would have.  You wonder if someone will give him all of the attention he needs.  All of the love he needs.  Will they spoil him too much or not enough?  Will he be happy?  I don't have to wonder these things.  I know they will always do right by him.  I know he will have a great life.  Most importantly, I know I don't have to worry about his soul.  I know I will be with him in heaven.  

That is the greatest peace a mother could ask for. 

1 comment:

  1. Also being adopted i agree that giving your son a chance at life and to prosper through his calling from god is important