Biggest Test of My Life

When you are single, you lead a bible study, you know others know you advertise for Godly living, and you have already done so much to hurt your loved ones, this is one test you hope to fail.  That little tiny plus sign on that little stick is absolutely terrifying! I will never forget the day I found out I was pregnant.  It was July 15, 2012.  I was in Target, looking at office supplies.  I was with my friend LauraBeth.  She had the test in her purse.  It took forever for the results to show! Finally, she looked in her purse, looked at me, and said, "You should probably look at this." My heart stopped.  The blood left my face.  It suddenly felt very hot.  A thousand thoughts were going through my mind at once-all pointing to the dominating thought of, "I cannot be pregnant."  I cried and cried and cried.  All I could think about was my family.  

Picture from babymed.com

When you are in your own mess, you think you are only hurting yourself.  When you take a step back, you realize you are hurting so many people around you.  I was heartbroken for my family.  I had already done so many stupid things that broke their hearts.  I had already made so many mistakes.  I was finally starting to get it together, I just messed up one time. They were finally proud of me again.  How could I put them through this?  How could I face them?  How? NO! This could not be happening. 

For about a split second I thought about having an abortion.  I could afford one and then nobody would ever know.  They wouldn't have to suffer, and as much as it would hurt, and haunt me forever, at least it would only affect me.  No.  This was a life.  A sweet precious life that I am so glad I allowed to grow inside me.  I knew that the FEAR of facing my family and others in my life would make an abortion seem enticing.  I knew I was weak.  I made a point to call one of my spiritual mentors, Lisa, immediately.  I knew she would hold me accountable.  I knew she would know if I gave in to an abortion.  I knew if she knew, I couldn't do it.
  Just a quick side note-there are so many amazing people who have made this journey possible for me.  I will eventually get around to thanking each of you, but right now I just want to mention Nick and Lisa.  I cannot express in words the gratitude I have for them.  I have been stubborn for years, and they have stuck by me through it all.  They have been tough on me, but I NEEDED it.  They have been brutally honest when I needed it.  They have always always shown me love though.  They have been through a lot because of me-a lot of energy has gone into me, and I'm sure at times they felt like it was for no good.  It has taken me a long time to get to a better place in my life and to truly prioritize and put God first.  I've gotten close so many times, but not the way I should have been.  But no matter what, they encouraged me.  Through all of the hurt, they were there for me.  I love you guys.  I cannot express how amazing you are and how blessed I am for knowing you. 

For those of you have recently felt that overwhelming fear of that pink little plus sign, don't give up on your child.  The day I found out I was pregnant one of my amazing friends, Neely Hill, had a long talk with me.  She made me realize that this baby deserved a chance.  He shouldn't lose his chance at life because I was scared.  That's an EASY concept when you aren't facing the situation head on.  It's a lot harder to think clearly when you are gripped with fear.  But it's true.  He didn't deserve to suffer for my mistakes; he wasn't the sin.  He wasn't the mistake.  He is a blessing!  A wonderful blessing!  I'm so proud of the little guy I created.  That part was good. 

Picture from lafamilyforum.org

I'm not going to sugar coat it.  It's hard.  Especially when you have a family that values having children in marriage and sex in marriage only.  It was so hard.  My family was mad.  They were hurt.  They were broken. I hated it.  It was awful.  But then, time passed.  We couldn't change the situation, so we made the best of it.  Now, I'm closer to my family then I have ever been.  I'm so thankful for the work God has done.  They have been amazing!  Even through all their hurt and anger, they supported me.  I remember riding with my brother to a family get together soon after we had found out.  He told me he was upset and disappointed, but that if anyone said anything against me, he'd essentially set them straight.  I was still his sister.  I will never forget that ride with him.  I will never forget their love.  I am so grateful and blessed.  My mom and I used to butt heads all the time-mostly because I was stubborn.  I think that's normal-then once you grow up, you realize your mother was actually right about most everything, and you should have listened.  It's quite humbling.  But I love the relationship we have now.  And I thought my family would never be proud of me again.  My mom tells me how proud she is of how much I have grown almost everyday.  It happened so much more quickly than I thought it would.  God can heal and restore any broken relationship-you just have to let Him; most importantly, you have to be obedient to him.

Even though it isn't easy, it is worth it.  Don't destroy a life.  Don't punish that precious life when he/she didn't do anything wrong.  You can do it.  God can handle it, and give you the strength to as well.  Don't give up.  It WILL get easier.

***ANOTHER SIDE-NOTE: If an abortion is in your past, DO NOT continue to punish yourself for it.  Christ forgives.  He restores.  Let HIM!  It is ok to walk in the freedom we have in Christ.***