You Can't Escape It But You Can Embrace It

Picture from laurenzapata.wordpress.com

Some of the things in this post I was hesitant about sharing.  However, I wish I would have had someone to tell me.  I had no idea what to expect.  I knew it would be hard, but I didn't know it would be as hard as it was.  For those of you on this side, for those of you who have placed your child with another family, please share your stories!!!  We need to stick together!  

For those of you who are just starting this journey-your planning to give your child to an adoptive family, there is no way to fully prepare for it.  Words cannot do justice to the way you feel about your child; your own flesh and blood.  I can't prepare you for that; nobody can.  I do know I can tell you a little bit about my experiences; a lot of the emotions I felt, I did not anticipate.  

I am blessed to have an open adoption, so I will get to see Brody every now and then and I get pictures of him quite regularly.  I will never forget the first picture she sent me of him smiling.  Immediately jealousy filled my heart.  Someone else made my child smile and it wasn't me.  Someone else was going to continue to make him smile; someone else would be the one to bring him joy, happiness, security.  Not me.  I was so angry at myself for feeling this way.  This family was amazing and they are SUPPOSED to make him smile.  Why was I so angry?  It was very irrational.  It was completely unexpected.  Thankfully, that passed.  I have nothing but the upmost respect for Brody's mom and dad.  I did not like feeling that way.  Now when I see pictures of him smiling it warms my heart.  I am so relieved.  But that's just one example of little things that you don't expect.  It is hard to prepare for how you will react to different things.  It's not a love you can prepare for; it is so much more intense than that.

There's no way around the pain; the deep, intense, throbbing pain that makes you feel like you won't make it.  My world crumbled; I was merely existing and surviving.  I cherished going to sleep, because then I wasn't aware of my pain.  I'd wake up everyday, going through the motions of the day, longing for bedtime so I could escape it again.  I hated feeling that way;  I thought it would never end.

Soon after I had Brody, I had dinner with a friend.  The words she spoke to me helped me so much.  She said, "I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through, but don't glorify your problem more than you glorify God." Wow!  I could have easily melted into my pain and become a useless waste of a body.  Or, I could ALLOW God to heal me, and use my story for His goodness.  I refuse to have gone through all of this for no reason; it will serve a purpose, and there is no greater purpose than God's.  So I prayed everyday, "God, let me let you heal me.  Don't let me get in the way or caught up in feeling sorry for myself.  Heal my heart." I prayed it everyday.

I still feel the sting of being without Brody everyday.  That will never go away.  But I truly have peace.  I know I have a purpose; I know Brody has a purpose, and I know it's going to be epic!  It's crazy how quickly God brought me that peace.  He healed my heart.  Now the pain is bearable.  There will always be some-it's your child.  But it doesn't have to be all-consuming.  Allow God to heal your heart.  Allow God to restore you and prosper you.  He will; if you put Him first, He will.

March 01, 2013

 

Image from studentbranding.com

Sweet Baby Brody,

Today we were discharged from the hospital and you went home with your new family and I went home without you.  It is the first day I have been without you since May (although for most of that time you were in my belly).  It is crazy how many mixed emotions I have right now.  On the one hand, my heart is very sad.  I have so much love for you.  I love you more than any other person in the world!  I love you more than I ever thought you could love another human being.  Because of how much I love you, I miss you so much!  I want you here with me in my arms.  I miss the cute little noises and faces you make.  I miss watching you eat and sleep.  I miss seeing you suck in your bottom lip and then poke both lips out; it's so cute and funny the little things that you do and you are only 2 days old!  More than anything, I miss holding you, kissing you, hugging you, and looking at you and into your beautiful eyes!  You are my pride and joy and I completely adore you.  There will never be a day that goes by that I won't love you, think about you, miss you, pray for you, or be willing to do anything for you.  You will always be a part of me and you will always have my heart.  Nothing will ever change that.  I hope you understand how true that is.

As sad as I am to be without you I am also happy for you.  Unfortunately, I cannot take care of you the way you deserve.  You are EVERYTHING to me, so I want THE ABSOLUTE BEST for you!  So, I hand-picked a family to give you to so that they could give you all the things I couldn't.  It was the hardest choice I have ever or will ever have to make in my life-But I knew that if I really love you, it would be selfish to keep you.  It was definitely a God thing; I knew they were the perfect parents for you immediately-and to this day, I still know they were the rights ones to pick!  And the icing on the cake: they already had a son, so you were also getting a big brother!  He loves you soo much!  He was so excited to meet you and hold you!  And it was soo sweet-you started crying and he immediately starting singing to you to make you feel better.  That just confirmed how meant to be this was!  It was so great seeing him with you for the first time today!  It is very clear how much he loves you!  I'm sure you boys will have your share of fights, but ultimately I know you will have a great relationship!

But anyway, back to your parents.  My biggest concern for you is your salvation-I want so many things for you-but number one on that list is a strong relationship with Christ.  I know they will raise you in a Godly home.  They don't just claim to be Christians, but they live out Godly lives with Godly, biblical standards.  It's comforting to know you will be raised being taught the truth.  Secondly, they can meet your needs.  Money isn't everything, but financially I couldn't support you and take care of you.  They are financially secure enough that you won't ever have to worry about anything.  It's amazing how well our families clicked and how well the personalities matched!  I am so happy to know that you are going to grow up in a loving and fun environment with lots of laughter and happiness.  I have no doubt that you will be taken care of, loved, prayed over, taught right, rejoiced with, cried with; you have a family that will help you in times of need, and they will hurt when you hurt.  You will always be supported and have plenty of people to lean on when things are hard.  I am also very grateful that they are allowing me to be in your life!  I can't see you often-But I will cherish every second I get with you!  I can't wait for the next time I see you!  I love you so much!  I hope you realize how great it is you are loved by so many people!  You have two families that adore you!  That's so wonderful!  I hope you know how loved you are and how much of a blessing you are!  The world became a better place on 02.27.13 when you were born.  My world became better for sure.  I hope and pray everyday that you know I love you and that I DID WANT YOU; I just wasn't what YOU needed.  I hope you know you are the love of my life.  I wills always be here for you and I love you so much!

Love always,

Your Birth-mother, Kadie

Now It's Real

I thought I was finally over that phase-where smells made me want to throw up.  But no-my leftover pizza was making me sick.  I just left it at work and headed home.  Just 2 more days and they would induce me.  Finally.  After having dinner with a friend I had to go home because I was hurting so much.  Brody was a bit of a tease.  I had Braxton-Hicks contractions almost every night for about a month before I actually went into labor.  A hot bath would relax the pain, and then I could sleep it off. 

Picture from firstric.com

The bath didn't help...I was having trouble sleeping-and then the pain was bad enough that I couldn't sleep through it.  I woke my mom up and we went to the hospital.  This time, it was the real thing.  I was in labor.

21 hours later he was finally here!!  I finally got to see him and hold him!  He was 7 1/2 pounds of pure perfection!  I've never been in love like that.  He was such a good baby-barely cried, and even when he did, it was little.  He didn't scream and fuss all the time.  He loved to sleep.  It was so funny, he sucked in his bottom lip all the time.  He was brand new, and he already had so much personality.  I was on cloud nine.  I hadn't slept in 2 days but I wasn't tired.  I just wanted to hold him and look at him.  I could spend the rest of my life doing that and be perfectly happy.  But I couldn't.

Friday morning-my final hours with my sweet baby.  Soon his new family would be there and I'd have to go home without him.  They came and it was so great seeing them with him.  Everyone in that room was in love with that sweet baby.  It was bittersweet.  Then it was time to say our goodbyes, and we left the hospital.

My heart was shattered.  It was the first time in almost a year I was without him.  All I felt was the overwhelming weight of emptiness.  Sadness.  Brokenness.  It felt like it would never end; if I survived it.  

Picture from 21centuryrelationships.blogspot.com

Leave It Open

To Brody's adoptive family-I cannot express my gratitude enough.  Not only can I trust them to love him and raise him right, but they genuinely care about me.  I wanted an open adoption, and they have given me everything I asked for.  It is easy, as humans, to see a situation like this as a competition.  Especially the two women; 2 mothers, in 2 completely different ways to the same child.  It's not like that at all.  We love each other and Brody has more people to love him.

Picture from Wikipedia.com

Along with that, they care about what is going on with me.  When I was still pregnant, Brody's adoptive mother and I talked all the time.  We mostly talked about Brody, but we also talked about life in general.  She was actually interested in MY life.  She wasn't just concerned about this child I was giving her.  She loved me as well.  And she still does.  Now that she has him, she hasn't changed and ignored me.  She's still just as loving and still talks with me when I tell her about what is going on with me.  That's such a wonderful characteristic in an adoptive family.  

For those of you on the other side, who want to adopt-be like this family and never forget your birthmother.  The thought of her child that she gave to you will never escape her mind.  She will always think of him or her; every second of everyday.  And to trust you with that life, shows how much she thinks of you.  Never let her forget how you feel about her.  Never forget about her. 

One of my requests was that I was able to keep Brody in the hospital.  That's a great story, but we will get to that in my next post.  In the meantime, I have a few more thank you's:

My adoptive family:  Thank you for the gifts!  Thank you for being there, and bringing your family.  Thank you for trusting me to go through with the adoption, even though legally I could change my mind.  Thank you for the instant and obvious glow in your eyes the moment you saw our sweet blessing!  That touched my heart!  Thank you thank you that I can trust you with him.  Thank you.

My mom:  Thank you for not leaving my side in the hospital.  Thank you for holding my leg while I pushed.  Thank you for holding my hand.  Thank you for taking care of me.  Thank you for putting my broken heart above your own.  Thank you for your unfailing love, no matter what mistakes I make.  Thank you for all that you do.

The rest of my family:  Thank you for being there.  Thank you for supporting me.  Thank you for defending me.  Thank you for your love.  Thank you for taking time out to come visit us in the hospital. I love you!

My Other Mother:  Thank you for holding my other leg while I pushed.  Thank you for connecting us to this wonderful family.  Thank you for your love and support.  Thank your for being there for me and for my mom; she needed you, and you never failed her.  You have an amazing heart, and I am honored to know you.

Aunt Susie:  Thank you so much for all of the pictures you took!  Thank you and Dr. Harris for checking out Brody to make sure he was healthy.  Thank you for the amazing pajama pants!  They are my favorites!  Thank you continuing to check on me even now.  Thank you for your love and compassion and forgiveness.  You are amazing!

Aunt Bethie:  Thank you for bringing me breakfast.  Thank you for taking pictures.  Thank you for being supportive no matter what and always loving me and caring about me.  Thank you for buying the Alabama outfits.  It really broke the ice the morning they came to pick him up and lightened the mood of such a heavy day.  You have no idea how much that did for me.  I love you!




Grandma:  Thank you for taking me in.  Thank you for all of the long talks.  Thank you for being at the hospital.  Thank you for loving me and Brody.  Thank you for all the little gifts.  Thank you for all the fun!  You are the best!

Neely Hill and Amy Gilland: Your thank yous are to come.  I haven't forgotten about you. :)

To all of my other visitors, thank you for being there.  Thank you for coming to see my little bundle of joy.  Thank you for the gifts.  Thank you for the thoughts, prayers, and love.  I appreciated it more than you know!

The Calm After The Storm

I never wanted kids.  At least not in my adult life.  However, that completely changes once you have a child growing inside of you.  Even when he was a tiny little peanut I was completely in love with him.  He was my baby.  I made him.  Now that he was here, how could I ever live without him?

 Picture from firstcovers.com

When I first told my family about the new little bun in the oven, it was intense.  But the storm did pass...eventually.  After that we had to really get serious about what we were going to do about the situation.  At the time I was working a part-time job and MAYBE made a thousand dollars a month.  Those of you who have children, know that isn't a lot to raise a child off of.  Daycare would take up the vast majority of that.  Not only that, but I was still living with my parents.  I couldn't hardly take care of myself, much less a whole other life.  A brand new one, that had to depend on someone else for its survival.  What if I couldn't do it?  I prayed about it.  A lot.  I know God told me what I needed to do.  I wanted to find a way around it though.  I tried.  For the longest, I thought I was going to be able to keep him!  I was so happy!  Scared, but excited! 

At one of the ultra-sounds I got a video that had his heart-beat on it.  I watched and listened to it over and over and over again.  That was my baby!  My sweet sweet boy!  That was his heart beat!  I created a living human being! I created a miracle!

Then the reality hit, crushing my heart in the process.  I knew that I couldn't keep him.  There is no way I could have given him the life he deserved.  And he deserved the best!  Plus I know God wanted me to do adoption.  If I ignored God again, how could I expect to survive?  How could I expect my child to fulfill his calling on his life?  How could I expect disobedience to prosper?  I couldn't.

It was the end of December and I was due at the end of February.  How could I find the perfect family in that short of an amount of time?  This child deserved the absolute best people in the world.  After-all he is the best gift; he is my favorite human being in the whole world.  He couldn't just have a good family or a great family; they had to be perfect.  God is good.  He brought that perfect family my way.  It was so easy to find them too!  A family friend connected us.  I had looked at their profile, and I was very impressed.  Then we decided to meet up with them.  We had one meal with them.  One meal.  That's it.  When we got in the car to leave my mom said, "So what did you think?"  I said, "I think I don't need to talk to anymore families.  They are it."  And I will never regret that decision.

Trusting someone to take care of your child is hard.  You get nick-picky about little things-things that aren't necessarily wrong or right.  You wonder if someone can teach him all the important things that you know you would have.  You wonder if someone will give him all of the attention he needs.  All of the love he needs.  Will they spoil him too much or not enough?  Will he be happy?  I don't have to wonder these things.  I know they will always do right by him.  I know he will have a great life.  Most importantly, I know I don't have to worry about his soul.  I know I will be with him in heaven.  

That is the greatest peace a mother could ask for. 

Biggest Test of My Life

When you are single, you lead a bible study, you know others know you advertise for Godly living, and you have already done so much to hurt your loved ones, this is one test you hope to fail.  That little tiny plus sign on that little stick is absolutely terrifying! I will never forget the day I found out I was pregnant.  It was July 15, 2012.  I was in Target, looking at office supplies.  I was with my friend LauraBeth.  She had the test in her purse.  It took forever for the results to show! Finally, she looked in her purse, looked at me, and said, "You should probably look at this." My heart stopped.  The blood left my face.  It suddenly felt very hot.  A thousand thoughts were going through my mind at once-all pointing to the dominating thought of, "I cannot be pregnant."  I cried and cried and cried.  All I could think about was my family.  

Picture from babymed.com

When you are in your own mess, you think you are only hurting yourself.  When you take a step back, you realize you are hurting so many people around you.  I was heartbroken for my family.  I had already done so many stupid things that broke their hearts.  I had already made so many mistakes.  I was finally starting to get it together, I just messed up one time. They were finally proud of me again.  How could I put them through this?  How could I face them?  How? NO! This could not be happening. 

For about a split second I thought about having an abortion.  I could afford one and then nobody would ever know.  They wouldn't have to suffer, and as much as it would hurt, and haunt me forever, at least it would only affect me.  No.  This was a life.  A sweet precious life that I am so glad I allowed to grow inside me.  I knew that the FEAR of facing my family and others in my life would make an abortion seem enticing.  I knew I was weak.  I made a point to call one of my spiritual mentors, Lisa, immediately.  I knew she would hold me accountable.  I knew she would know if I gave in to an abortion.  I knew if she knew, I couldn't do it.
  Just a quick side note-there are so many amazing people who have made this journey possible for me.  I will eventually get around to thanking each of you, but right now I just want to mention Nick and Lisa.  I cannot express in words the gratitude I have for them.  I have been stubborn for years, and they have stuck by me through it all.  They have been tough on me, but I NEEDED it.  They have been brutally honest when I needed it.  They have always always shown me love though.  They have been through a lot because of me-a lot of energy has gone into me, and I'm sure at times they felt like it was for no good.  It has taken me a long time to get to a better place in my life and to truly prioritize and put God first.  I've gotten close so many times, but not the way I should have been.  But no matter what, they encouraged me.  Through all of the hurt, they were there for me.  I love you guys.  I cannot express how amazing you are and how blessed I am for knowing you. 

For those of you have recently felt that overwhelming fear of that pink little plus sign, don't give up on your child.  The day I found out I was pregnant one of my amazing friends, Neely Hill, had a long talk with me.  She made me realize that this baby deserved a chance.  He shouldn't lose his chance at life because I was scared.  That's an EASY concept when you aren't facing the situation head on.  It's a lot harder to think clearly when you are gripped with fear.  But it's true.  He didn't deserve to suffer for my mistakes; he wasn't the sin.  He wasn't the mistake.  He is a blessing!  A wonderful blessing!  I'm so proud of the little guy I created.  That part was good. 

Picture from lafamilyforum.org

I'm not going to sugar coat it.  It's hard.  Especially when you have a family that values having children in marriage and sex in marriage only.  It was so hard.  My family was mad.  They were hurt.  They were broken. I hated it.  It was awful.  But then, time passed.  We couldn't change the situation, so we made the best of it.  Now, I'm closer to my family then I have ever been.  I'm so thankful for the work God has done.  They have been amazing!  Even through all their hurt and anger, they supported me.  I remember riding with my brother to a family get together soon after we had found out.  He told me he was upset and disappointed, but that if anyone said anything against me, he'd essentially set them straight.  I was still his sister.  I will never forget that ride with him.  I will never forget their love.  I am so grateful and blessed.  My mom and I used to butt heads all the time-mostly because I was stubborn.  I think that's normal-then once you grow up, you realize your mother was actually right about most everything, and you should have listened.  It's quite humbling.  But I love the relationship we have now.  And I thought my family would never be proud of me again.  My mom tells me how proud she is of how much I have grown almost everyday.  It happened so much more quickly than I thought it would.  God can heal and restore any broken relationship-you just have to let Him; most importantly, you have to be obedient to him.

Even though it isn't easy, it is worth it.  Don't destroy a life.  Don't punish that precious life when he/she didn't do anything wrong.  You can do it.  God can handle it, and give you the strength to as well.  Don't give up.  It WILL get easier.

***ANOTHER SIDE-NOTE: If an abortion is in your past, DO NOT continue to punish yourself for it.  Christ forgives.  He restores.  Let HIM!  It is ok to walk in the freedom we have in Christ.***

 

 

From the Beginning

Those of us who end up in situations like this don't get there over night-at least I know I didn't.  I am still trying to figure out exactly how I got where I was.  I grew up in a WONDERFUL Christian home with a loving, God-fearing, amazing family!  I really don't think there is a better family out there.  

 Robbie (bro), Patti (mom), Me, Rob (dad)

I have always struggled with "being too nice" and giving into other people.  I have a wonderful, loving father who set the perfect example of the type of man I should look for.  Unfortunately, I was young and naive and didn't think the bad decisions I made in my dating life would affect me forever.  I was the typical girl who always wanted to "fix" a broken guy, who had so much potential, he just needed the right woman to help inspire him to reach it.  Ladies, I am here to tell you now, you can't fix a man.  God can. You can't.  If you are able to, it'll take everything you have to accomplish it.  You will be empty by the time it is over-and it isn't worth it.  With the exception of one, none of the guys I dated were good for me, and instead of bringing them up, they brought me down.  I think subconsciously, for the longest time, I felt like I had to take the mistreatment, because I was taught to love others.  It's all over the bible-love your enemies, love your neighbors, love, love, love; but the greatest commandment is to love the Lord with all of your heart, with all of mind, and with all of your soul.  If the "love" you show others causes you or them to live in sin, it's not love.  If you are enabling them to hurt themselves, it's not love.  Tough love is still love, and it is completely acceptable.  Love without truth is dead.  It's a matter of knowing what TRUE love is.

I didn't think of it that way.  I just wanted to do anything and everything I could to make that person happy.  I tried to earn love when it should have just been given.  That is not the way it is supposed to be.  After doing things wrong from my first "real" relationship, it became a pattern.  One that was hard to break.  Add different types of abuse to that, and I was essentially brainwashed into believing I had to do these things to be happy and to keep someone.  Oh, how stupid I was.

The thing is, deep down, I knew better.  But I didn't know how to break that pattern of thinking.  Fast forward, and I finally understand how to be happy without a man.  I finally understand a man like my dad or my brother or all of the men in my family really, is worth the wait.  And if I don't find one that fits that standard, then I'm better off alone.  The most recent relationship I was involved in had a lot of potential-but it was never reached, so it was also very harmful.  I lived in sin with this guy for years.  I also did a lot of other stupid things.  I was at a bar almost every night; I wasted so much precious time.  I wanted to run back to God, but I didn't feel like I could.

One weekend I went to this thing called Tres Dias.  BEST three days of my life.  You can't really talk about it.  That made me very hesitant to go-in my mind I was like, you can't talk about it?  Sounds cultish.  I was so very wrong; you don't talk about it, because you don't want to ruin the experience for others.  Essentially it's 3 days for you and God.  You just bond with Him.  You are loved on and served by others.  It's so incredible.  Truly.  After that, I was flourishing.  I had started a bible study, and I was right on track!  However, I also struggled with "earning" love from God and "earning" salvation.  Jesus already did the work, we just have to accept that.  He wants to be the one to fix us-but I wanted to try to be perfect FOR Him, instead of allow Him to do it for me (because lets face it, we can't do it on our own; He is a must).  I got too confident in myself.  I didn't realize it though.  I thought I was doing so well.  Then bam, the next thing I know, I'm pregnant.

I share all of that as a starting point for those who may be where I was when I was a teenager, it's not too late to get it together before you have to really learn the hard way.  I say that for those who have already done so much you think it can't be forgiven; God can turn it around.  Everyone's story is different-but we all have one thing in common.  We are all human.  There is nothing that God can't handle.  Give it to Him-he will get you through.  

Stick around.  There is so much more to come!

Welcome to Letters For Brody!

My name is Kadie Juskiewicz and my life has been an interesting adventure.  The most recent and life changing event that has occurred in my life is that I had a precious baby boy, and gave him up for adoption.  As this blog progresses you will learn more about my story, but I want this blog to be about more than just me.  Adoption is a wonderful thing, but there are so many emotions and details that go along with it.  I hope that this blog encourages others who have been in similar situations or are just beginning a scary journey that seems to have only one way out.  There is hope!  I promise!

Picture: The White Path by Mosredna