Tuesday, July 16, 2013

The Dreaded Post

This whole situation was very humbling, but also very frustrating.  I hated the fact that everyone would know I was pregnant-because there is only one way to get pregnant.  Somehow all of my dirty laundry gets exposed; I never get to keep my secrets to myself.  I hated it, and I hated that everyone would know I messed up...again.

I have talked about my immediate family's reaction, but as far as my extended family, it was a little different.  Everyone had questions.  That is just going to happen.  Especially in my family.  We are about as nosy and open as you can get.  REALLY.   My immediate reaction was defensive.  It wasn't just that I was pregnant, but the father was a big deal.  I didn't want that to be known.

 I truly appreciate my cousin Derek. At the time, he and I were living with my parents.  We had many talks.  Yes, he was disappointed, but he never talked down on me or was harsh towards me.  Since he lived with me, people came to him looking for answers, and he didn't answer their questions.  He was loyal to my privacy, which I appreciate.  When I was trying to decide whether to keep Brody or not, he was so supportive.  He expressed that it was my decision, but unlike some other people in my life, he believed that I could do it either way.  Ultimately, I had to go with what I knew God wanted, and he fully supported that.  I don't know what I would have done without him.  Our late night talks kept me sane.  Derek, you are amazing!  Without going too much into, with everything that happened all at once, you showed your true character.  You freely gave forgiveness that resembled Christ.  I was truly humbled by your love and compassion.  You have no idea how much you mean to me!!

Getting back to the rest of the family.  There was so much people didn't know.  It wasn't like I just wanted to have a good time and thought that would be a good idea.  From the time I met Brody's birthfather I had unknowingly (or maybe I chose to ignore it) made him an idol.  He was my world in a very unhealthy way.  Not just for me, but for him as well.  I was addicted to him.  All I wanted for 3 and half years of my life was to be with him.  I wish him well in life, but I am glad it didn't happen.  He is not a follower of Christ, and God commands us not to be unequally yoked.  It probably would have ended badly.  Anyway, I felt judged, whether I was or not.  I know I was by some.  There are others that I feel bad for getting defensive against.

Ultimately, even though there were some rough patches at the beginning, I know my family loves me.  My Aunt Susie has been wonderful!!  She was there in the hospital.  She often asked if I needed anything or could do anything.  She bought me my favorite pajama pants.  She thought of me on MOTHER'S DAY!!  I remember being kind of hurt and disappointed by the people who didn't acknowledge that would be a hard day for me... Some of them didn't know what to say; others just didn't think about it.  But she was very loving!  She is proud of what I did for Brody.  Her love and selflessness are greatly appreciated!!

She's not the only one who has been mature and loving enough to look past my initial reactions.  I am proud of my family.  I am proud of the support we have in each other.  I am proud that for the most part, we all stay connected.  We have a HUGE family, and usually there are a lot of fights and grudges and people who won't talk to other people in the family or go to family get togethers because they want to avoid certain people.  We are all stubborn, but we all love each other, and ultimately, we all have each others backs.  I am truly blessed!

I called this the dreaded post because it is never fun to say I was wrong.  It's not fun being humbled.  But it is necessary.  It's necessary for healing; not just for you, but for those involved.  It's important to be willing to admit your faults and right your wrongs.  It's not fun, but it is worth it.

1 comment: