Other Children

Picture from www.colourbox.com

After having a child that I placed with an adoptive family, it's strange having interactions with other people's children.  Every time, however, it's a different reaction.

There are some children that I absolutely love being around and click with; it's like my maternal instinct has stuck and I am a natural.  There are other children who I used to get along with marvelously, and now it's awkward.  Strange huh?

Some children remind me of Brody and just make me feel sad.  It's weird, because I don't why they do.  If all little boys reminded me of him (since Brody is a boy) that would make sense.  But it's not just boys.  And there are some boys who I don't get that feeling from. 

It's just interesting how it affects your everyday life.

Has anyone else who has placed their child for adoption had experiences like this?  Or do you feel the same way around other children as you did prior to having your child?  Just curious!
 

Coming Soon!!

Don't worry... I know it's been a little while but exciting posts are coming soon!  Including but not limited to:

More letters to Brody

Posts from my family

Posts from Brody's adoptive mother

Stick around!!  It's going to be great!

I Am Weak

One thing I hear from people all the time on this journey is, "You are so strong!"  While I would love to soak it up and boost my pride, I can't take that credit.  I am human and I am very very weak.  The pain of leaving a hospital without your child and seeing someone else raise him and make him happy and provide for him causes on overwhelming pain.  It's a pain that I could never overcome in my own strength.  God has done a supernatural, evident, permanent work in my heart.  I suffered because of sin and disobedience, but God turned it into a blessing, and I was obedient and surrendered myself to God He was faithful to do an amazing powerful work in my heart.  I am so thankful and so blessed!

Also, surrendering to God and being obedient to God is something I have to do daily.  All believers do.  You never completely arrive.  There is always room for growth. 

Either way, I just had to get that out there, that it's not my strength.  It's God's strength and goodness and love and mercy and power that have gotten me this far.  I can't take His credit.

Picture from www.meetyouatthemount.org

 

The Dreaded Post

This whole situation was very humbling, but also very frustrating.  I hated the fact that everyone would know I was pregnant-because there is only one way to get pregnant.  Somehow all of my dirty laundry gets exposed; I never get to keep my secrets to myself.  I hated it, and I hated that everyone would know I messed up...again.

I have talked about my immediate family's reaction, but as far as my extended family, it was a little different.  Everyone had questions.  That is just going to happen.  Especially in my family.  We are about as nosy and open as you can get.  REALLY.   My immediate reaction was defensive.  It wasn't just that I was pregnant, but the father was a big deal.  I didn't want that to be known.

 I truly appreciate my cousin Derek. At the time, he and I were living with my parents.  We had many talks.  Yes, he was disappointed, but he never talked down on me or was harsh towards me.  Since he lived with me, people came to him looking for answers, and he didn't answer their questions.  He was loyal to my privacy, which I appreciate.  When I was trying to decide whether to keep Brody or not, he was so supportive.  He expressed that it was my decision, but unlike some other people in my life, he believed that I could do it either way.  Ultimately, I had to go with what I knew God wanted, and he fully supported that.  I don't know what I would have done without him.  Our late night talks kept me sane.  Derek, you are amazing!  Without going too much into, with everything that happened all at once, you showed your true character.  You freely gave forgiveness that resembled Christ.  I was truly humbled by your love and compassion.  You have no idea how much you mean to me!!

Getting back to the rest of the family.  There was so much people didn't know.  It wasn't like I just wanted to have a good time and thought that would be a good idea.  From the time I met Brody's birthfather I had unknowingly (or maybe I chose to ignore it) made him an idol.  He was my world in a very unhealthy way.  Not just for me, but for him as well.  I was addicted to him.  All I wanted for 3 and half years of my life was to be with him.  I wish him well in life, but I am glad it didn't happen.  He is not a follower of Christ, and God commands us not to be unequally yoked.  It probably would have ended badly.  Anyway, I felt judged, whether I was or not.  I know I was by some.  There are others that I feel bad for getting defensive against.

Ultimately, even though there were some rough patches at the beginning, I know my family loves me.  My Aunt Susie has been wonderful!!  She was there in the hospital.  She often asked if I needed anything or could do anything.  She bought me my favorite pajama pants.  She thought of me on MOTHER'S DAY!!  I remember being kind of hurt and disappointed by the people who didn't acknowledge that would be a hard day for me... Some of them didn't know what to say; others just didn't think about it.  But she was very loving!  She is proud of what I did for Brody.  Her love and selflessness are greatly appreciated!!

She's not the only one who has been mature and loving enough to look past my initial reactions.  I am proud of my family.  I am proud of the support we have in each other.  I am proud that for the most part, we all stay connected.  We have a HUGE family, and usually there are a lot of fights and grudges and people who won't talk to other people in the family or go to family get togethers because they want to avoid certain people.  We are all stubborn, but we all love each other, and ultimately, we all have each others backs.  I am truly blessed!

I called this the dreaded post because it is never fun to say I was wrong.  It's not fun being humbled.  But it is necessary.  It's necessary for healing; not just for you, but for those involved.  It's important to be willing to admit your faults and right your wrongs.  It's not fun, but it is worth it.

Let's Get Real For A Minute

I know I've mentioned a few times about how I hurt my family so much even before I got pregnant.  I want to talk a little more about that, and what God has presently been teaching me about my past.

After several abusive, and unGodly relationships, I was brainwashed into many wrong ways of thinking.  One of those ways, was that sex is how you showed love.  There were a lot of negative affects that formed after my experiences, that the enemy used them to push me into a downward spiral of destruction.  Ironically, instead of running from men, I ran to men.  I wanted to be loved so much.  I did everything I could to show love to any guy I was in a relationship with hoping I could earn their love in return.  There is nothing biblical about that.  In the process, I lived in sin in those relationships-which just hurt us both.

Having this mindset only pushed me farther to guys that weren't right for me and bad situations.  Eventually it just led to feeling worthless.  I was at a point in my life where I truly did not care what I happened to me.  I pointed out that I went to bars every night and partied like crazy.  I was that girl who seemed happy-I was always laughing, flirting with guys, and I drank... a lot.  On the outside, I looked like I was having a good time and living it up.  But inside, I was broken and miserable.  I was that obnoxious girl that wanted attention from every guy at the bar.  I could make any comment dirty and inappropriate, and for a time, I was proud of that.  WHAT?!?!  Now I look back in shame and regret.

Here are some things I have learned from my past:

1. Love that leads to sin is not love.  I was taught my whole life to love sacrificially.  It's in the bible, they will know us by our love.  If you show love, you show others Christ.  How can you show a loving God through sin?  God is infinitely Holy and Perfect; He cannot sin and He cannot condone sin.  I was giving out a false love.  I tried to "change" guys to be God-loving men... WITH SIN!!  I figured, this is how I get them to keep talking to me, and eventually we will stop, and they will learn to love God.  NO!!  I was disrespecting myself, disrespecting my Savior, and believe it or not, disrespecting those guy.

The thing is I didn't realize what I was doing.  I never rationally tried to think it out.  I now realize what I thought I was trying to accomplish subconsciously.  The moment love leads to sin it no longer reveals God.  I knew what I was doing was wrong, but rationalized it with "good intentions."  That is not a legitimate excuse for sin.  Good intentions can destroy you.

2.  Single women and men should respect boundaries.  I did not get along with girls.  You can't trust girls.  Guys are simple; they aren't emotional, they are easier to get along with.  I always had more guy friends than girl friends.  I rationalized it as ok... most of them were just friends, and those that were just friends, we truly never did anything we shouldn't physically.  The thing is God has given boundaries between men and women for a reason.  

There was one specific guy that I wanted to "change" into a Godly man.  First of all, only God can do that.  Secondly, it wasn't my job to counsel him.  That guy happens to be Brody's birth-father.  Although I did impact him in some way, it cost me everything, and after everything that has happened in the past year, it has probably pushed him farther from God.  

I need the council of GODLY women in my life.  Men need the council of Godly men in their life.  The spiritual mentors in my life taught me about these lines.  I always had close relationships with my guy friends.  There was one friend in particular whose house I would go to almost every night.  Nothing would ever happen, but it still wasn't smart.  Nick would constantly tell me that yes, it was ok to be friends, but not on the level that we were.  I argued with him about this, but now I understand.

  Also, the couple that mentored me, I used to go to the husband more often for advice.  His wife was always present, and now I talk to her more than him.  Over the past 2 years her and I have developed more of a relationship than me and him.  NOTHING inappropriate ever happened, but it's just that fact that a married man should not be counseling a single (or even married) woman.  It was a matter of respect for their marriage and for wisdom in boundaries.

3. I wasn't ready to let go.  I knew what was right, and I was tired of living this shameful life.  Until recently, like very recently, I thought it took me so long to "get back to God" because it was hard.  I thought I felt shame and guilt and couldn't approach Him.  To some degree, yes, I believed those lies, and I put it off.  But what I am just now realizing is I didn't run back to God, because I KNEW that is would mean that I would have to change, and I wasn't ready to change.  It wasn't just that I didn't think I could do it, it was because a part of me liked being stupid.  I don't really know why.  I honestly just think it's being human; without God, we are evil, and desire worldly things.  I wanted to hang on to that life.  Also, running back to God meant I had to give up control and be humbled.  I like being in control.  I didn't want to give that up.  However, that's the only way to accomplish freedom.  I've finally had enough of learning the hard way.  And the fact is, when I am in control, nothing goes right.  I am so thankful God was able to get my attention when he did.  Living for myself was exhausting.

4.  With God, anything is possible.  It's amazing how God has done so much in me.   He has been working, hands-on, in my heart.  First of all, he's healed my heart and given me peace with having given Brody up for adoption.  That is huge!  But there are so many other things he's done.

I mentioned before how when I was living in sin, I could take any comment and make it dirty or inappropriate.  That was one fear I had.  I had lost my innocence, and that part of me would never change.  I would always have a "dirty mind."  God has given me a different mind, and I haven't even prayed about that issue specifically and directly.  He knows my heart though.  He knows who I want to be.  He sees my surrender to him.  

I thought I was always going to be burdened with feeling like I had to be "that girl." I always had to show cleavage, I always had to talk dirty, and be super flirty; inappropriately.  NO!  He has broken that bondage.  Those things made me the center of attention for exactly the type of guys I don't want or need in my life.  I no longer desire that.  I no longer feel worthless or the need to disrespect myself to get attention.  I don't need a man to be whole.  If it's God's will for me to get married, it will be to a Godly man who loves me for me.  I won't have to do those things to win him over.  I've always known this, and desired to have a Godly man.  But I tried to create it for myself.  It doesn't work like that.  Now I actually believe it and acknowledge it.   

God has given me a pureness of mind that I thought would never come because of losing my innocence.  He is restoring that for me and giving me a mind like His.  I am so excited about that and thankful for it!  It may seem like a little thing, but a pure mind is something I've wanted for so long, and thought I would never have.

5. You have to stay faithful.  I have to continue to allow God to stay in control.  I have to renew my mind daily.  Without God, I am not beyond going right back to that old lifestyle, no matter how hard I try to avoid it.  In my own efforts and good intentions, I will fail without God.  He has to be my motivation everyday.

I know this was a long post, but I hope you read to the end.  Even if your struggles are different, this applies to everyone.  Love that leads to sin isn't real love, you have to be willing to let go, you have to respect boundaries, with God anything is possible, but you have to keep Him number one and make it a daily thing.  I encourage you to examine yourselves-what parts of your life have you not given to God fully?  What are your struggles?  Are you willing to let go?  Are you willing to make God the center of your life?  Just food for thought.

March 17, 2013

Brody,

Hello!  I don't want every letter I write you to be completely sad or too emotional.  I want you to know a little bit about me!  I can't wait until you get older and I'm able to find out stuff about you.  What will your favorite color be?  What will your hobbies be?  What will your favorite bible verse be?  What will your first girlfriend be like? And so many other things.  I am assuming you are going to choose to be an Auburn fan because of your family.  I'm an Alabama fan, so Roll Tide :)!  I used to be an Auburn fan, but it meant so much to my brother, so I changed to Alabama; especially since my family is the reason I got into football.  

My brother is hilarious! My family is lots of fun!  I don't know if you will get to see my family as often as you get to see me, but I hope so!  They are so great, just like your family! 

We've had a fun weekend.  My birthday is 03/12, and Robbie's is 03/28, so we've done our combined birthday celebration this weekend.  We've played cornholl and nerts-which I hope I get to teach you how to play one day!  Oh, I get really competitive when I play games.  I hate to lose.  But we play games a lot and always have a great time! 

It's such a pretty day so we are grilling out and playing outside.  I wonder what you are up to on this beautiful day.  I'm sure you went to church and had lots of fellowship.  You are pretty popular because you are so adorable! And a blessing and answered prayer to so many people!  I am very grateful for you!

Let's see...more about me.  My all time favorite color is blue.  My favorite sport to watch is football.  I love to play most all of them (except for golf), although I am not very good or athletic.  I have a degree in English from UAB.  I wonder where you are going to go to college and what you will want to be when you grow up.  I always wanted to be a teacher, but that didn't work out-at least for now.  I absolutely love, love to dance.  It's so fun for me!  I wonder what your favorite hobbies will be.  I can't wait to watch you grow up and learn and just to see the man you become one day!  I hope it's a happy and exciting journey for you!  You are precious!  I love you so much, sweet boy!

Love Always,

Me!

What About You?

So I would love to know what you guys want to read.  Do you have any questions you want me to answer?  Do you have any topics around adoption you want me to talk about?  Do you have a story you want to share? Let me know in a comment or email me at kdb579@gmail.com!  

Part Two: Realizing Restoration is a Realistic Desire

In this post, I am going to explain how my parents reacted to me being pregnant.  It's amazing how, like Robbie and Joanna, my mom and dad balance each other out so well.  I needed the harshness and the compassion, both, and between the two I got it.

My dad is such a wonderful man.  We say all the time that he's the closest things to Jesus a person a can get.  I know he was mad; but more than that, I know he was heartbroken.  I was his little girl, and here I was pregnant.  And the father wasn't even a guy I was currently in a relationship with (it was complicated; there was history there, but out of respect for him, I won't go any deeper into that).  However, he encouraged me every step of the way.  He prayed for me.  He was the rock for my mom.  She was broken as well.  She also let her emotions show a little more than anyone else.

Mothers and daughters always have complicated relationships-they fight a lot, but ultimately, they become best friends as they get older.  I love my mom; she is my best friend.  However, for a while, she didn't really like me.  She always loved me, but I had hurt her.  She went through a variety of emotions: anger, sympathy, back to anger, back to compassion, confusion... She didn't understand.  Hurting my family like that broke my heart for them.  But the two things I remember that hurt me the most: 1. When my mom said she thought I was "faking" loving God. 2. A conversation I overheard her having with my dad one day.

Up until they found out I was pregnant, I was leading a bible study.  We were having a serious conversation via email, and in it she said she loved me, but she didn't like me.   She also said she essentially thought I was faking the God thing, and she didn't appreciate it because she took the word very seriously.  Now mind you, when you are in a place of leadership like that, you have to hold yourself to a higher standard.  She had reason to doubt my intentions.  However, she was wrong.  She now points out how she saw spiritual warfare on a personal level through me; I think that now she realizes it was in fact real for me.  My problem was that I had the right intentions, but I wasn't quite letting God take over.  I thought I was.  I repented, and then I was determined to do better on my own strength instead of resting in God.

My dad and I had a conversation about it, and he comforted me by saying he knew it wasn't fake.  He and I both have struggled with the concept of "works".  We aren't saved by works, we are saved by Jesus and what He did.  However, there should be evidence of Christ in our lives; this produces change and allows us to bear fruit.  I've always had the personality where I don't want to attempt something until I KNOW I can do it correctly.  I wanted to "BE PERFECT" and be Christ-like.  The problem came when I relied on myself instead of God.  I thought I was strong enough to interact with Brody's birthfather without falling into that temptation.  And for about a year, I was strong.  But I flirted with that line; God clearly tells us to RUN from temptation.  I didn't.  I finally gave in.  I finally understand the verse, "Let anyone who thinks he stands, take heed, lest ye fall" (1st Corinthians 10:12).  I thought I could handle it; I thought I was past the days of making those "big mistakes".  I wasn't, because I thought I was untouchable.  I will never make that mistake again.  If we didn't need God, he wouldn't be God.  If you aren't depending on God and running from the things you know you shouldn't be around, then in time you will fall.

So again, my intentions were there.  I loved God, but I didn't know how to really let go and let Him take over. Even more than that, there were a few things I wasn't willing to fully let go of because I thought I could handle it.  Now, I have learn to let go.  I've always known, but now I truly UNDERSTAND that God wants us to bring our mess to him.  HE WANTS TO FIX IT!  If we try to fix it, and then go to Him, we just make a bigger mess.

The second hardest thing to get through I don't think my mom knows I know, not unless someone told her.  One day I had spend the night at their house, and I was downstairs while they were upstairs.  They thought I was asleep, and I woke up and heard the conversation they were having.  My mom called me an abominable tramp.  She said a lot of other things.  At the time, I was mad at her.  Now, I realize it was her pain coming through.  When you go through something like this, things will always be said that are harsh, and that people don't necessarily mean.  You have to understand, first of all, she was venting to her husband.  It wasn't meant to be heard by anyone else.  Secondly, she was so hurt.  I had already put them through so much in the years before.  But then, a ray of hope.  They thought the hard stuff was finally over.  I was finally putting my past behind me and running towards God.  Then poof...That hope was gone.  To put someone through those emotions is cruel.  I didn't intentionally hurt anyone, but it doesn't change the fact that I did.  I understand why these things happened and were said.

I say all of that to say that almost daily my mom now tells me she is proud of me.  She talks about how much change is evident in me and how much she loves me, and she even likes me again.  Brody is only four months old.  God brought restoration to our family quickly.  She never left my side in the hospital.  I stayed with them for a month after having Brody, and she took amazing care of my.  My dad slept on the couch so I could sleep with my mom-what a great man.  I am so thankful for my family.  I am so devastated at the pain I brought them, but so blessed for what God has done to mend the brokenness.

If you feel like relationships have been broken, and there is no hope for restoration, don't lose hope.  It will come.  Just stay focused on God, and do what you know is right. It will eventually be evident to those around you.  Restoration is coming.