I know I've mentioned a few times about how I hurt my family so much even before I got pregnant. I want to talk a little more about that, and what God has presently been teaching me about my past.
After several abusive, and unGodly relationships, I was brainwashed into many wrong ways of thinking. One of those ways, was that sex is how you showed love. There were a lot of negative affects that formed after my experiences, that the enemy used them to push me into a downward spiral of destruction. Ironically, instead of running from men, I ran to men. I wanted to be loved so much. I did everything I could to show love to any guy I was in a relationship with hoping I could earn their love in return. There is nothing biblical about that. In the process, I lived in sin in those relationships-which just hurt us both.
Having this mindset only pushed me farther to guys that weren't right for me and bad situations. Eventually it just led to feeling worthless. I was at a point in my life where I truly did not care what I happened to me. I pointed out that I went to bars every night and partied like crazy. I was that girl who seemed happy-I was always laughing, flirting with guys, and I drank... a lot. On the outside, I looked like I was having a good time and living it up. But inside, I was broken and miserable. I was that obnoxious girl that wanted attention from every guy at the bar. I could make any comment dirty and inappropriate, and for a time, I was proud of that. WHAT?!?! Now I look back in shame and regret.
Here are some things I have learned from my past:
1. Love that leads to sin is not love. I was taught my whole life to love sacrificially. It's in the bible, they will know us by our love. If you show love, you show others Christ. How can you show a loving God through sin? God is infinitely Holy and Perfect; He cannot sin and He cannot condone sin. I was giving out a false love. I tried to "change" guys to be God-loving men... WITH SIN!! I figured, this is how I get them to keep talking to me, and eventually we will stop, and they will learn to love God. NO!! I was disrespecting myself, disrespecting my Savior, and believe it or not, disrespecting those guy.
The thing is I didn't realize what I was doing. I never rationally tried to think it out. I now realize what I thought I was trying to accomplish subconsciously. The moment love leads to sin it no longer reveals God. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but rationalized it with "good intentions." That is not a legitimate excuse for sin. Good intentions can destroy you.
2. Single women and men should respect boundaries. I did not get along with girls. You can't trust girls. Guys are simple; they aren't emotional, they are easier to get along with. I always had more guy friends than girl friends. I rationalized it as ok... most of them were just friends, and those that were just friends, we truly never did anything we shouldn't physically. The thing is God has given boundaries between men and women for a reason.
There was one specific guy that I wanted to "change" into a Godly man. First of all, only God can do that. Secondly, it wasn't my job to counsel him. That guy happens to be Brody's birth-father. Although I did impact him in some way, it cost me everything, and after everything that has happened in the past year, it has probably pushed him farther from God.
I need the council of GODLY women in my life. Men need the council of Godly men in their life. The spiritual mentors in my life taught me about these lines. I always had close relationships with my guy friends. There was one friend in particular whose house I would go to almost every night. Nothing would ever happen, but it still wasn't smart. Nick would constantly tell me that yes, it was ok to be friends, but not on the level that we were. I argued with him about this, but now I understand.
Also, the couple that mentored me, I used to go to the husband more often for advice. His wife was always present, and now I talk to her more than him. Over the past 2 years her and I have developed more of a relationship than me and him. NOTHING inappropriate ever happened, but it's just that fact that a married man should not be counseling a single (or even married) woman. It was a matter of respect for their marriage and for wisdom in boundaries.
3. I wasn't ready to let go. I knew what was right, and I was tired of living this shameful life. Until recently, like very recently, I thought it took me so long to "get back to God" because it was hard. I thought I felt shame and guilt and couldn't approach Him. To some degree, yes, I believed those lies, and I put it off. But what I am just now realizing is I didn't run back to God, because I KNEW that is would mean that I would have to change, and I wasn't ready to change. It wasn't just that I didn't think I could do it, it was because a part of me liked being stupid. I don't really know why. I honestly just think it's being human; without God, we are evil, and desire worldly things. I wanted to hang on to that life. Also, running back to God meant I had to give up control and be humbled. I like being in control. I didn't want to give that up. However, that's the only way to accomplish freedom. I've finally had enough of learning the hard way. And the fact is, when I am in control, nothing goes right. I am so thankful God was able to get my attention when he did. Living for myself was exhausting.
4. With God, anything is possible. It's amazing how God has done so much in me. He has been working, hands-on, in my heart. First of all, he's healed my heart and given me peace with having given Brody up for adoption. That is huge! But there are so many other things he's done.
I mentioned before how when I was living in sin, I could take any comment and make it dirty or inappropriate. That was one fear I had. I had lost my innocence, and that part of me would never change. I would always have a "dirty mind." God has given me a different mind, and I haven't even prayed about that issue specifically and directly. He knows my heart though. He knows who I want to be. He sees my surrender to him.
I thought I was always going to be burdened with feeling like I had to be "that girl." I always had to show cleavage, I always had to talk dirty, and be super flirty; inappropriately. NO! He has broken that bondage. Those things made me the center of attention for exactly the type of guys I don't want or need in my life. I no longer desire that. I no longer feel worthless or the need to disrespect myself to get attention. I don't need a man to be whole. If it's God's will for me to get married, it will be to a Godly man who loves me for me. I won't have to do those things to win him over. I've always known this, and desired to have a Godly man. But I tried to create it for myself. It doesn't work like that. Now I actually believe it and acknowledge it.
God has given me a pureness of mind that I thought would never come because of losing my innocence. He is restoring that for me and giving me a mind like His. I am so excited about that and thankful for it! It may seem like a little thing, but a pure mind is something I've wanted for so long, and thought I would never have.
5. You have to stay faithful. I have to continue to allow God to stay in control. I have to renew my mind daily. Without God, I am not beyond going right back to that old lifestyle, no matter how hard I try to avoid it. In my own efforts and good intentions, I will fail without God. He has to be my motivation everyday.
I know this was a long post, but I hope you read to the end. Even if your struggles are different, this applies to everyone. Love that leads to sin isn't real love, you have to be willing to let go, you have to respect boundaries, with God anything is possible, but you have to keep Him number one and make it a daily thing. I encourage you to examine yourselves-what parts of your life have you not given to God fully? What are your struggles? Are you willing to let go? Are you willing to make God the center of your life? Just food for thought.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Saturday, July 6, 2013
March 17, 2013
Brody,
Hello! I don't want every letter I write you to be completely sad or too emotional. I want you to know a little bit about me! I can't wait until you get older and I'm able to find out stuff about you. What will your favorite color be? What will your hobbies be? What will your favorite bible verse be? What will your first girlfriend be like? And so many other things. I am assuming you are going to choose to be an Auburn fan because of your family. I'm an Alabama fan, so Roll Tide :)! I used to be an Auburn fan, but it meant so much to my brother, so I changed to Alabama; especially since my family is the reason I got into football.
My brother is hilarious! My family is lots of fun! I don't know if you will get to see my family as often as you get to see me, but I hope so! They are so great, just like your family!
We've had a fun weekend. My birthday is 03/12, and Robbie's is 03/28, so we've done our combined birthday celebration this weekend. We've played cornholl and nerts-which I hope I get to teach you how to play one day! Oh, I get really competitive when I play games. I hate to lose. But we play games a lot and always have a great time!
It's such a pretty day so we are grilling out and playing outside. I wonder what you are up to on this beautiful day. I'm sure you went to church and had lots of fellowship. You are pretty popular because you are so adorable! And a blessing and answered prayer to so many people! I am very grateful for you!
Let's see...more about me. My all time favorite color is blue. My favorite sport to watch is football. I love to play most all of them (except for golf), although I am not very good or athletic. I have a degree in English from UAB. I wonder where you are going to go to college and what you will want to be when you grow up. I always wanted to be a teacher, but that didn't work out-at least for now. I absolutely love, love to dance. It's so fun for me! I wonder what your favorite hobbies will be. I can't wait to watch you grow up and learn and just to see the man you become one day! I hope it's a happy and exciting journey for you! You are precious! I love you so much, sweet boy!
Love Always,
Me!
Monday, July 1, 2013
What About You?
So I would love to know what you guys want to read. Do you have any questions you want me to answer? Do you have any topics around adoption you want me to talk about? Do you have a story you want to share? Let me know in a comment or email me at kdb579@gmail.com!
Part Two: Realizing Restoration is a Realistic Desire
In this post, I am going to explain how my parents reacted to me being pregnant. It's amazing how, like Robbie and Joanna, my mom and dad balance each other out so well. I needed the harshness and the compassion, both, and between the two I got it.
My dad is such a wonderful man. We say all the time that he's the closest things to Jesus a person a can get. I know he was mad; but more than that, I know he was heartbroken. I was his little girl, and here I was pregnant. And the father wasn't even a guy I was currently in a relationship with (it was complicated; there was history there, but out of respect for him, I won't go any deeper into that). However, he encouraged me every step of the way. He prayed for me. He was the rock for my mom. She was broken as well. She also let her emotions show a little more than anyone else.
Mothers and daughters always have complicated relationships-they fight a lot, but ultimately, they become best friends as they get older. I love my mom; she is my best friend. However, for a while, she didn't really like me. She always loved me, but I had hurt her. She went through a variety of emotions: anger, sympathy, back to anger, back to compassion, confusion... She didn't understand. Hurting my family like that broke my heart for them. But the two things I remember that hurt me the most: 1. When my mom said she thought I was "faking" loving God. 2. A conversation I overheard her having with my dad one day.
Up until they found out I was pregnant, I was leading a bible study. We were having a serious conversation via email, and in it she said she loved me, but she didn't like me. She also said she essentially thought I was faking the God thing, and she didn't appreciate it because she took the word very seriously. Now mind you, when you are in a place of leadership like that, you have to hold yourself to a higher standard. She had reason to doubt my intentions. However, she was wrong. She now points out how she saw spiritual warfare on a personal level through me; I think that now she realizes it was in fact real for me. My problem was that I had the right intentions, but I wasn't quite letting God take over. I thought I was. I repented, and then I was determined to do better on my own strength instead of resting in God.
My dad and I had a conversation about it, and he comforted me by saying he knew it wasn't fake. He and I both have struggled with the concept of "works". We aren't saved by works, we are saved by Jesus and what He did. However, there should be evidence of Christ in our lives; this produces change and allows us to bear fruit. I've always had the personality where I don't want to attempt something until I KNOW I can do it correctly. I wanted to "BE PERFECT" and be Christ-like. The problem came when I relied on myself instead of God. I thought I was strong enough to interact with Brody's birthfather without falling into that temptation. And for about a year, I was strong. But I flirted with that line; God clearly tells us to RUN from temptation. I didn't. I finally gave in. I finally understand the verse, "Let anyone who thinks he stands, take heed, lest ye fall" (1st Corinthians 10:12). I thought I could handle it; I thought I was past the days of making those "big mistakes". I wasn't, because I thought I was untouchable. I will never make that mistake again. If we didn't need God, he wouldn't be God. If you aren't depending on God and running from the things you know you shouldn't be around, then in time you will fall.
So again, my intentions were there. I loved God, but I didn't know how to really let go and let Him take over. Even more than that, there were a few things I wasn't willing to fully let go of because I thought I could handle it. Now, I have learn to let go. I've always known, but now I truly UNDERSTAND that God wants us to bring our mess to him. HE WANTS TO FIX IT! If we try to fix it, and then go to Him, we just make a bigger mess.
The second hardest thing to get through I don't think my mom knows I know, not unless someone told her. One day I had spend the night at their house, and I was downstairs while they were upstairs. They thought I was asleep, and I woke up and heard the conversation they were having. My mom called me an abominable tramp. She said a lot of other things. At the time, I was mad at her. Now, I realize it was her pain coming through. When you go through something like this, things will always be said that are harsh, and that people don't necessarily mean. You have to understand, first of all, she was venting to her husband. It wasn't meant to be heard by anyone else. Secondly, she was so hurt. I had already put them through so much in the years before. But then, a ray of hope. They thought the hard stuff was finally over. I was finally putting my past behind me and running towards God. Then poof...That hope was gone. To put someone through those emotions is cruel. I didn't intentionally hurt anyone, but it doesn't change the fact that I did. I understand why these things happened and were said.
I say all of that to say that almost daily my mom now tells me she is proud of me. She talks about how much change is evident in me and how much she loves me, and she even likes me again. Brody is only four months old. God brought restoration to our family quickly. She never left my side in the hospital. I stayed with them for a month after having Brody, and she took amazing care of my. My dad slept on the couch so I could sleep with my mom-what a great man. I am so thankful for my family. I am so devastated at the pain I brought them, but so blessed for what God has done to mend the brokenness.
If you feel like relationships have been broken, and there is no hope for restoration, don't lose hope. It will come. Just stay focused on God, and do what you know is right. It will eventually be evident to those around you. Restoration is coming.
My dad is such a wonderful man. We say all the time that he's the closest things to Jesus a person a can get. I know he was mad; but more than that, I know he was heartbroken. I was his little girl, and here I was pregnant. And the father wasn't even a guy I was currently in a relationship with (it was complicated; there was history there, but out of respect for him, I won't go any deeper into that). However, he encouraged me every step of the way. He prayed for me. He was the rock for my mom. She was broken as well. She also let her emotions show a little more than anyone else.
Mothers and daughters always have complicated relationships-they fight a lot, but ultimately, they become best friends as they get older. I love my mom; she is my best friend. However, for a while, she didn't really like me. She always loved me, but I had hurt her. She went through a variety of emotions: anger, sympathy, back to anger, back to compassion, confusion... She didn't understand. Hurting my family like that broke my heart for them. But the two things I remember that hurt me the most: 1. When my mom said she thought I was "faking" loving God. 2. A conversation I overheard her having with my dad one day.
Up until they found out I was pregnant, I was leading a bible study. We were having a serious conversation via email, and in it she said she loved me, but she didn't like me. She also said she essentially thought I was faking the God thing, and she didn't appreciate it because she took the word very seriously. Now mind you, when you are in a place of leadership like that, you have to hold yourself to a higher standard. She had reason to doubt my intentions. However, she was wrong. She now points out how she saw spiritual warfare on a personal level through me; I think that now she realizes it was in fact real for me. My problem was that I had the right intentions, but I wasn't quite letting God take over. I thought I was. I repented, and then I was determined to do better on my own strength instead of resting in God.
My dad and I had a conversation about it, and he comforted me by saying he knew it wasn't fake. He and I both have struggled with the concept of "works". We aren't saved by works, we are saved by Jesus and what He did. However, there should be evidence of Christ in our lives; this produces change and allows us to bear fruit. I've always had the personality where I don't want to attempt something until I KNOW I can do it correctly. I wanted to "BE PERFECT" and be Christ-like. The problem came when I relied on myself instead of God. I thought I was strong enough to interact with Brody's birthfather without falling into that temptation. And for about a year, I was strong. But I flirted with that line; God clearly tells us to RUN from temptation. I didn't. I finally gave in. I finally understand the verse, "Let anyone who thinks he stands, take heed, lest ye fall" (1st Corinthians 10:12). I thought I could handle it; I thought I was past the days of making those "big mistakes". I wasn't, because I thought I was untouchable. I will never make that mistake again. If we didn't need God, he wouldn't be God. If you aren't depending on God and running from the things you know you shouldn't be around, then in time you will fall.
So again, my intentions were there. I loved God, but I didn't know how to really let go and let Him take over. Even more than that, there were a few things I wasn't willing to fully let go of because I thought I could handle it. Now, I have learn to let go. I've always known, but now I truly UNDERSTAND that God wants us to bring our mess to him. HE WANTS TO FIX IT! If we try to fix it, and then go to Him, we just make a bigger mess.
The second hardest thing to get through I don't think my mom knows I know, not unless someone told her. One day I had spend the night at their house, and I was downstairs while they were upstairs. They thought I was asleep, and I woke up and heard the conversation they were having. My mom called me an abominable tramp. She said a lot of other things. At the time, I was mad at her. Now, I realize it was her pain coming through. When you go through something like this, things will always be said that are harsh, and that people don't necessarily mean. You have to understand, first of all, she was venting to her husband. It wasn't meant to be heard by anyone else. Secondly, she was so hurt. I had already put them through so much in the years before. But then, a ray of hope. They thought the hard stuff was finally over. I was finally putting my past behind me and running towards God. Then poof...That hope was gone. To put someone through those emotions is cruel. I didn't intentionally hurt anyone, but it doesn't change the fact that I did. I understand why these things happened and were said.
I say all of that to say that almost daily my mom now tells me she is proud of me. She talks about how much change is evident in me and how much she loves me, and she even likes me again. Brody is only four months old. God brought restoration to our family quickly. She never left my side in the hospital. I stayed with them for a month after having Brody, and she took amazing care of my. My dad slept on the couch so I could sleep with my mom-what a great man. I am so thankful for my family. I am so devastated at the pain I brought them, but so blessed for what God has done to mend the brokenness.
If you feel like relationships have been broken, and there is no hope for restoration, don't lose hope. It will come. Just stay focused on God, and do what you know is right. It will eventually be evident to those around you. Restoration is coming.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Realizing Restoration is a Realistic Desire
This next post is a little more intense and very personal. It definitely takes God to realize my faults, to realize why people reacted the way they did to my situation, and to not get defensive about it. I'm going to talk about how my family reacted to me being pregnant. But I am also going to talk about how ultimately, it brought us even closer together. I have invited each of my family members to write a post that I will spotlight talking about their journeys through all of this, so you can see other perspectives and how restoration came to each of us full circle. Those are to come later!
Since there is so much to tell, I am breaking it up into multiple posts. I am going to start with my brother and his wife:
My brother was mad. My dad told him one day a few hours before we were going to have a family get together. My dad had to walk around with him for a few hours while he cooled off. However, he never showed that anger to me. I just heard about that. We haven't talked in depth about how he felt, but just from the conversations we have had about past mistakes I've made, I know his anger was mostly out of love. How could I have so little respect for myself? How could I put my family through this after everything else I had put them through? What was I thinking? How was I going to handle this? I know that's how he felt and what he was thinking, a long with plenty of other things I am sure. When it came down to it, he was fully supportive though. As I mentioned in a previous blog post, one day we were driving to lake, and he told me, yes he was disappointed, but no matter what I am his sister and he loves me and he's here for me and he has my back. I know he would defend me against anyone, even thought I hurt him so much. What a great example of God's love for us. Truly. I have so much respect for my brother.
We also had several conversations that were hard to hear, but that I definitely needed to hear. He talked about how much everyone loved me, but they were all hurt, and it was going to take a lot for them to learn to trust me again. That's hard to hear, but it was true, and I am glad he was brave enough to lovingly tell me what I needed to hear. I NEEDED to know how my actions affected those around me; and now looking back, it just confirms how much I am loved by my family members. Thank you Robbie for your strength, love, and loyalty. I love you!
Eventually things got better. We went to an Alabama football game together with some friends and family and had a great time. We spent a lot of time together, and continue to do so. It's amazing how close we have gotten. I am so thankful for that! We were close when we were younger, but then I started down a path where I was living a destructive lifestyle, and we grew apart. My brother and his wife are two of funnest most amazing people I know. It's great to have them back in my life in a deeper way. We don't just see each other on occasion anymore. We are friends, as well as family. If I don't see him at least once a week I start to miss him.
As for his wife, Joanna, she has a very sincere and compassionate heart. She and my brother balance each other very well. I am sure she was disappointed, but she always showered me in love and encouragement, and she didn't bring it up unless I wanted to talk about it. She, along with everyone else, encouraged and supported my decision with adoption. Her adorable, fun-loving personality lightened the mood when things were tense. I know she played a huge support role for my brother. She also played a huge role in helping me to see how great the whole adoption situation was... for what the situation was, it played out flawlessly. You couldn't have asked for it to go better. I love my sister-in-law so much. She has an amazing heart. She is super creative and crazy fun! She is a blessing! The balance of her love while everyone else was expressing UNDERSTANDABLE disappointment was definitely needed. Thank you Jo!
Since there is so much to tell, I am breaking it up into multiple posts. I am going to start with my brother and his wife:
My brother was mad. My dad told him one day a few hours before we were going to have a family get together. My dad had to walk around with him for a few hours while he cooled off. However, he never showed that anger to me. I just heard about that. We haven't talked in depth about how he felt, but just from the conversations we have had about past mistakes I've made, I know his anger was mostly out of love. How could I have so little respect for myself? How could I put my family through this after everything else I had put them through? What was I thinking? How was I going to handle this? I know that's how he felt and what he was thinking, a long with plenty of other things I am sure. When it came down to it, he was fully supportive though. As I mentioned in a previous blog post, one day we were driving to lake, and he told me, yes he was disappointed, but no matter what I am his sister and he loves me and he's here for me and he has my back. I know he would defend me against anyone, even thought I hurt him so much. What a great example of God's love for us. Truly. I have so much respect for my brother.
We also had several conversations that were hard to hear, but that I definitely needed to hear. He talked about how much everyone loved me, but they were all hurt, and it was going to take a lot for them to learn to trust me again. That's hard to hear, but it was true, and I am glad he was brave enough to lovingly tell me what I needed to hear. I NEEDED to know how my actions affected those around me; and now looking back, it just confirms how much I am loved by my family members. Thank you Robbie for your strength, love, and loyalty. I love you!
Eventually things got better. We went to an Alabama football game together with some friends and family and had a great time. We spent a lot of time together, and continue to do so. It's amazing how close we have gotten. I am so thankful for that! We were close when we were younger, but then I started down a path where I was living a destructive lifestyle, and we grew apart. My brother and his wife are two of funnest most amazing people I know. It's great to have them back in my life in a deeper way. We don't just see each other on occasion anymore. We are friends, as well as family. If I don't see him at least once a week I start to miss him.
As for his wife, Joanna, she has a very sincere and compassionate heart. She and my brother balance each other very well. I am sure she was disappointed, but she always showered me in love and encouragement, and she didn't bring it up unless I wanted to talk about it. She, along with everyone else, encouraged and supported my decision with adoption. Her adorable, fun-loving personality lightened the mood when things were tense. I know she played a huge support role for my brother. She also played a huge role in helping me to see how great the whole adoption situation was... for what the situation was, it played out flawlessly. You couldn't have asked for it to go better. I love my sister-in-law so much. She has an amazing heart. She is super creative and crazy fun! She is a blessing! The balance of her love while everyone else was expressing UNDERSTANDABLE disappointment was definitely needed. Thank you Jo!
A Defining Moment
I am a birthmother. It's so easy to see myself as just that. It's such a huge role. There is not a day that passes that Brody isn't on my mind. He's my love. However, that's not all I am.
I am an employee at ESS. I am a sister. I am a sister-in-law. I am a daughter. I am a friend. I am a child of the King. I am a writer. I am a dancer. Every person has several roles they take on in life that are a part of who they are. They are not defined purely by one of those roles, but by a combination of each of them. And even outside of who you are to others, you are an individual, with your own dreams and desires; likes and dislikes.
I think one of the most destructive things we can do as birthmothers is to see ourselves as nothing more than that. The shame, the guilt, the regret-all of that becomes the catalyst behind every thought and decision made. It can lead to destructive behaviors.
We don't have to let our mistakes, our past, or even one single role define us. Embrace what you have done for your child-the selfless, loving act. Don't be ashamed of it. But don't let it be the only way you see yourself either. You don't have to give up on your dreams or yourself.
Being a birth-mother is a part of who you are; an important part. But it's not ALL of who you are. Don't lose sight of all of who are! Embrace it!
I am an employee at ESS. I am a sister. I am a sister-in-law. I am a daughter. I am a friend. I am a child of the King. I am a writer. I am a dancer. Every person has several roles they take on in life that are a part of who they are. They are not defined purely by one of those roles, but by a combination of each of them. And even outside of who you are to others, you are an individual, with your own dreams and desires; likes and dislikes.
I think one of the most destructive things we can do as birthmothers is to see ourselves as nothing more than that. The shame, the guilt, the regret-all of that becomes the catalyst behind every thought and decision made. It can lead to destructive behaviors.
We don't have to let our mistakes, our past, or even one single role define us. Embrace what you have done for your child-the selfless, loving act. Don't be ashamed of it. But don't let it be the only way you see yourself either. You don't have to give up on your dreams or yourself.
Being a birth-mother is a part of who you are; an important part. But it's not ALL of who you are. Don't lose sight of all of who are! Embrace it!
Picture from www.freedomcounselingusa.com
Blog Spotlight
So today I was surprised with an email from americaadopts.com. They interviewed me and featured my blog on their site!! I am so excited!! You can view my interview at www.americaadopts.com/blog. I am not sure how long it will be posted on their site, so go look at it while you can!! Also, they have blogs from so many different people available on their site. I highly recommend this site if you are going through an adoption situation. There is advice for birthmothers, adoptive mothers, others' stories, and just great inspiration. Check it out!!
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