Tuesday, May 20, 2014
As I quickly mentioned in my last post I was asked to speak at the annual Birth-Mother's Day luncheon hosted by Lifeline this year. Lifeline is an adoption agency and every year they do a luncheon for birth-mothers on the day before Mother's Day. This event is a huge blessing. It's nice to be remembered and honored as a birth-mother. We are easily forgotten since we are not mothers in a traditional way.
Here is what I said:
As a single woman whose life was nowhere near together in anyway I experienced a countless number of emotions when I found out I was pregnant. Fear, joy, shame, guilt, anxiety; the list goes on and on. But the 2 I want to focus on right now are anger and confusion. Although I had no right to be angry (I mean I did partake in the actions that cause pregnancy) I was so mad! I couldn't understand why this was happening!
There are women all over the world that long for the joy of having children and they are unable to. Then you have me-I didn't want to be pregnant; nor did I have anything to offer a child. I wasn't in a place where I could take care of a child. So why on Earth was I the one pregnant instead of a woman who wanted to be? The answer: because God knows what He is doing.
As difficult as adoption can be, it's also beautiful if you allow it to be. This experience has been the hardest, yet most rewarding experience of my life.
I didn't know what to do when I found out I was pregnant. I tried everything in my power to keep my child and raise him myself, but that clearly wasn't God's will. I remember about three months before I was due I was talking to my mom about how I felt like adoption was the right thing to do but I didn't know if I could do it this far in. She responded by saying, “If you disobey God you can't expect Him to honor that disobedience. No good can come from it and you be will doing yourself and your child a disservice if you walk in disobedience.” I knew what I had to do-but that doesn't change that fact that it was scary and sad and heartbreaking. Not only that, but how was I going to find the perfect family for MY CHILD in such a short time? God was faithful. After only ONE meeting with Brody's adoptive family we knew they were it!
We decided on an open adoption plan and when I had Brody he stayed in the hospital with me. Until this point I was handling everything pretty well. Then came the day for Brody to go home with his family and for me to go home alone. Oh how empty I felt! I know that every birth-mother in this room know that words cannot do justice to the pain and heartbreak you feel going home from the hospital without your child. Every morning when I woke up I longed for bedtime again so I could escape it all. It was hard.
About a week after I had Brody I went to dinner with an old friend. She gave me the GREATEST advice. She said, “I can't imagine what you must be going through-but don't glorify your problem more than you glorify God.” Wow! So much wisdom in one little statement. I decided to take her advice. Everyday I prayed the words, “God heal my heart and let me let you”. At first I'd pray it for hours at a time with tears streaming down my face until one day-about a month later-my prayer had changed to “God thank you for healing my heart!”
If you know from experience how hard placing your child with an adoptive family can be, then you can see that only the supernatural power of a very real God can bring that kind of healing that fast. I'm not a mommy, but I am a mother. I love my son completely, deeply, and unconditionally. I miss him and think about him every single day. And although there are days I feel the sting of not having him with me everyday, I don't hurt anymore. Truly-almost immediately God did a supernatural healing in my heart.
Brody is a cherished blessing to his family and that comforts my heart. As I said before adoption is a beautiful thing. It paints a picture of Christ's love-for He has chosen us and adopted us as His children. Through my adoption story I have gained an understanding of what it means to not only be a believer, but to be a cherished child of God. Through this journey of healing I have experienced the hands-on and active work of my loving Savior. By personally knowing the love a mother has for her child I now better realize the love Christ has for me and therefore my trust, faith, honor, respect, intimacy, and love for Him has grown immensely and continues to do so. He steadies my heart no matter how bad or how hard a situation is. And because of His faithfulness and love, He has won my heart.