A Season (or lifetime) of Singleness

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First of all, I'm sure some of you are wondering, "What does dating have to do with adoption?"  However, dating in an ungodly way is how I ended up having a child outside of wedlock that I couldn't take care of the way God wanted me to.  Secondly, this blog is about my journey through this situation. Unfortunately I am stubborn, and this is what it took for me to learn.  I am hoping others can learn from my mistakes so they don't have to learn the hard way.

Now, I also want to make it clear that ungodly relationships and sex outside of marriage were the parts that were sin.  Brody is not a sin or a mistake or anything bad.  He is a great blessing, and adoption is a great thing.  But the situations usually arise because of sin.  Children are ALWAYS a blessing from God even when the "situation" isn't. 

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I always wanted children, until I became an adult.  Then that desire slowly left me.  Sometimes I wonder if it because God knew what would happen later, so he took that desire away so I would be able to do what was best for Brody.  I am not sure.  I wanted Brody.  I fought against God on it, and tried to make it happen to where I could keep him.  Ultimately, I couldn't.  My love for him is no less just because I didn't want children.  You feel differently about a child you create that grows inside of you and you deliver.  That kind of love can't just go away because initially the desire wasn't there.

However, ever since I had Brody, I don't desire to have other children later in life.  In fact, I think I want other children even less.  First of all, if I can't have him, I don't really want anyone else.  Secondly, I don't want to risk making him feel uncomfortable or unloved.  Several people in my life tell me God will change my heart when the time is right.  I respectfully disagree, however, I am willing to be proven wrong IF that's God's desire for my life.

Regardless of if I am to have children later in life or not is not completely relevant right now.  I am nowhere close to being married, which leads me to my topic: Singleness.

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I know I am in a season of singleness.  I think it is possible that God may be calling me to a lifetime of singleness, and I am completely okay with that.  And let me tell you, that, in and of itself, is a miracle.  I have always wanted to be a wife more than anything else in this world.  Now, I just want to be used by God and be in His will.  If that means that I am not meant to get married, then so be it!  I haven't gotten a clear cut answer on that from God yet, so I don't know.  Either way, I am willing to do what He wants.  Either way I will follow His will.  However, recently I have had an interest and a heart for doing foster care for older children.  I wouldn't be able to do that without a husband, so who knows.  Only God for now.

It is so great to actually be single, and be single.  Let me explain:  I have never truly been single in all that that requires.  Even when I haven't had a boyfriend, I was talking to someone, or had a crush on someone that eventually became all I cared about.  I was constantly flirting with guys and looking for the next person I could possibly date.  That's not being SINGLE!

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Some leassons for those of you in a season of singleness:

1. Actually be single.  

In our society it is normal to see sex and flirting and teasing as common, casual things.  We see nothing wrong it, because that's how society is.  Society says, "I don't have time for relationships but I need companionship" or "Marriage doesn't last; but I want to have fun while we still get along."  That is not healthy for anyone, nor is it how God intended it to be.  You have to change the way you look at dating and interacting with the opposite sex.  If you are single, act single.  There shouldn't be physical contact with a person of the opposite sex that you are not in a relationship with-and if it's not a marriage, that physical contact should be very minimal.  You don't have try to get the attention of guys.  When it's the right one, God will work out the details.  The man you are intended to be with will notice you.  A crush doesn't have to consume your every thought and action.  A guy who isn't interested in committing to you shouldn't get all of your time and attention.  Be single.  Focus on you-your goals, your dreams, your growth, your friends, your family, etc. 

2.  Stay faithful to your husband.

You may be thinking, okay, you are talking about how to be single, so clearly there is no husband.  No, not yet.  But chances are, there will be.  Nobody deserves or has a right to all of until you have all of them.  You date in order to find a spouse.  Don't act married when you aren't.  It's not fair to you, your future spouse, the other person, or the other person's spouse.  Just think about that.

3.  Enjoy that time!!

Singleness is a gift!  For most, it only lasts for a while, and that time is precious.  It is healthy to go into a relationship knowing who you are and having and individual identity.  It's not good to go into a relationship making the other person your whole life.  When you get married you make a person a part of your life.  You have to have something to offer-which means you have to be established in your personality, your beliefs, your hobbies, your friends, and so many other areas of life.

Also, while being single, it is a great time to grow in Christ.  Christ should be at the center of every marriage anyway, so if He's not first in life beforehand, how do you expect to make that work?  Use the time wisely and seek God and grow in Him!

4.  Trust God.

God will bring you the right person in the right timing. You have to trust Him.  Don't try and force it.  It won't work.  God knows the desires of your heart; we just have to be patient with Him.  His ways are always best.

5.  Don't prolong your singleness.

What I mean by this is that usually if we don't follow 1-4, chances are we are just prolonging our time of singleness.  If you aren't happy with yourself, how can you expect someone else to be?  If you haven't allowed God to be a part of your life, how can he make you the wife you need to be for the type of husband you desire?  If you aren't acting single when you are single, how can you be available for the right person when they come along?  Do you see how it all fits together?

Understand, that I again, have done everything the opposite of what I have recommended.  Therefore, I know from experience.  Don't learn the hard way.  Trust God and enjoy your life.  He will make it happen when the time is right!

The Father

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I could easily sit here and tell you all about Brody's father and our relationship and how crazy and intense it was.  I could tell you all about why I was in love with him and the good times we hand and the bad times we had.  But honestly, that doesn't matter.  Our story doesn't matter.  His name doesn't matter. None of those things matter.  What does matter is what I LEARNED from knowing him.

So what have I learned?

1.  Do not try to change a man.  

Chances are that you can't.  99.9% of the time your life will not end up like the movies where you were special enough to break through the walls a stubborn troubled man has put up and completely melt his heart.  That's unrealistic.  It's not to say that you are not special, but it is to say that men don't always care to see it.  They want what they want when they want it, and if you will let them take advantage of you, then they will.   

If by some miracle you are able to impact their lives in a real way, it won't be enough.  For instance, Brody's father is a different man today than he was when I met him, and I know I had a little bit to do with that.  He knows I had something to do with that.  His friends do as well.  However, he still isn't saved.  He married someone else.  The goals I had when I put all of this effort into him never came to pass.  They just didn't. 

Also, if you are somehow able to make a difference in who he is, it will drain everyone of your resources and leave you completely empty and weak.  The work it takes-emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially-it's too much to take on.  Chances are you will end up neglecting everything and everyone else in your life and just look for opportunities to give yourself for him.  Then, when he is gone, or when you realize your tired of fighting for something that will never happen, you are left with nothing.  No strength, no life outside of him, no energy, no direction; pretty much just pure chaos.  When you are that invested in something or someone, TOO invested, you don't know which way is up when it's no longer a part of your life.

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The point is, regardless of what you think, hope, or how great you may be-don't try and change a man.  IT'S NOT WORTH IT!!  

2. Do not be unequally yoked, and put God first.  

Brody's father is not a horrible person.  I don't hate him.  I wish him well.  But we were bad for each other.  The main reason we were bad for each other is because I was saved and he was not.  He didn't want to be.  There's problem one.  At that moment I should have not continued in the relationship.  But of course, I was stubborn, and I wanted him, so I ignored what I knew was right, and thought I could handle it.  I couldn't.  This man became so important, he became an idol.  I loved him and wanted him more than I wanted God.  I don't know if I realized that or not-but the thought of it now makes me sad.  My Savior deserves better from me.  Jesus is actually worthy of my devotion and worship, while no man is.  Because this man was not saved sex before marriage was not an issue for him. He didn't feel guilty about it or see anything wrong with it.  Because I loved him more than God, I ignored the conflict I had with it.  Because I had made him an idol I lived in sin pursuing this man, instead of living in purity pursuing my Savior. 

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3.  Do not use a relationship to try and bring someone to God.  

HELLO!  This seems like common sense right? Yeah, well clearly I didn't have that for a long time.  I wanted to see Brody's father saved so bad, and I wanted to help bring him to Christ.  But yet, I had made him an idol, and I was living in sin with him.  Explain that.  I was a hypocrite at the time.  But how often do we girls do that and justify it?  How often do we think that if we can win their hearts, then we can convince them to be saved?  First of all, a man shouldn't become a Christian for you.  Then it's not based of the real thing.  And chances are, if the relationship ends, then so will their "relationship" with Christ.  From my experience, it is usually an act rather than something sincere when it is for a girl. 

Not only is it dangerous to use romance to try and bring someone to Christ, not only is it disobedient to be unequally yoked, it's also just a bad idea.  Chances are you are trying to disciple a person rather than just share the gospel with them if you are using a relationship to try and point them to Christ. WOMEN SHOULD NOT DISCIPLE MEN!  This is unbiblical and dangerous.  Just don't go down that road.  It'll lead to disaster.

4.  Do not date a man for his potential.

I say this with the understanding that nobody has fully arrived, and everyone needs to grow as their life progresses.  That isn't what I mean.  The point of dating is to find a husband.  Wives are to submit to their husbands.  I refuse to submit to someone who isn't submitting to God (on a regular basis; nobody is perfect).  So, why date someone who isn't following Christ?  If he has the potential to be a great Godly man, but hasn't reached it yet, he doesn't need you in his life and you don't need him.  He needs Jesus.  Only God can do that work in someone; we can't.  So use the time to grow in Christ, and trust God to bring you the right man in the right timing.

It is worth the wait to wait on God's will.  If it's not God's will can we really call it a good thing?  It has taken me a long time to get this point.  I have done all of the things listed above more than once.  It's kind of ridiculous how stupid I was when it came to dating, and ironically, how smart I thought I was.  As you get older you get wiser.  Thankfully, I have finally learned.

Jealous For You

This post may seem a little off subject from Brody or adoption, but ultimately it can still relate in its own way.  We will get to that at the end.

Lately, I have known several people who have either passed away or been close to people who have had loved ones pass away.  Some of them, it is just known they are in heaven.  Others, only God knows, and we are unsure. And then, sadly, there are some who openly denounced God, and were not saved.  It has been a very sad journey.

I think as Christians, especially when we are "going strong" in our walk with Christ, have a tendency to, even if not on purpose, feel superior to those who aren't saved or are "struggling" more than we are in our walk with Christ.  After the past few months, I have been able to identify this in myself.  I have had to repent of it, and make myself aware of it so it doesn't happen again.  Now, I am jealous FOR those people.  

Seeing unbelievers grieve is one of the hardest things I have ever had to watch.  Knowing they have to get through their difficult journey's without Christ is heart-breaking.  Seeing saved people mourn those who were not saved and are gone is also just devastating.  

Looking at the world around me, along with the recent deaths that have occurred, serves as a wake-up call.  So many people who surround us are deceived on a daily basis into thinking they are whole and complete and happy and ok.  And we just allow this to happen.  We have got to stand together, grow bold, and make a difference in our environments.  This world is getting sadder and sadder.  People need hope, and we know what that is, and we just keep it to ourselves.  That's not the way it's supposed to be.

How does this relate to Brody?  As the world gets progressively worse, I pray that he has the boldness to stand up for Christ.  I pray that he isn't afraid to tell others about God.  I pray that he doesn't become deceived by the enemy.  Future generations are going to have be stronger and braver than the ones before them.  That's how it affects him.  

Let's start the fight for them.  Let's put on the armor of God and go to battle everyday for our Savior.  Otherwise, what's the point of this life?

Craziness

Hey guys.  Just letting you know I have not forgotten about you.  I had a friend pass away this week, and life has just been crazy.  We will have some good posts next week though, I promise.  I just wanted to keep you updated.

For Our Loved Ones

I have a wonderful support group, but being a situation that none of us are very familiar with, almost all of my friends have said that they want to be there for me but they don't exactly know how.

Every person deals with grief and difficult situations different ways.  For me, and I'm sure a lot of others in this situation, what helps the most is acknowledging it.  No, it's not the only thing I ever want to talk about, but it's okay to ask how I am doing.  It's okay to ask me about Brody-being an open adoption, I'm in contact withe family and get updates on him.  For those I am close to, ask to see pictures!  

It's real and it did happen and he is a part of me.  So it's ok to talk about it and ask about.  If you acknowledge it, and show you are comfortable with the topic, I don't have to act like it didn't happen.  I don't have to hide it.  I can embrace it.

That's just my advice for my loved ones who care, but don't know how to react.  Acknowledgement is key.