A DAD'S PERSPECTIVE
When Kadie
first told Patti and me, it was disbelief, I was waiting for the punch
line. But then I realized it was no joke
and she was pregnant. It was definitely
one of those surreal moments. I couldn't believe this was happening, I was in
shock. Of course all the emotions of anger, sadness,
rage, disappointment and embarrassment were there. Yes, embarrassment. I had been in church long enough and had been
judgmental enough to know now it is mine and my family's turn to be
judged.
As I was
learning to deal with the shock and anger and disappointment of the pregnancy
itself, I had to deal with the anger towards the biological father….I wanted to
lay into him physically and at the very least verbally. And that disappointment I had in Kadie,
because she knew better. And, I knew the
hurt that Kadie was going to go through.
And then the thought of does she even realize what or how this effects
more than just her.
As a
believer in Jesus, I wanted to respond in the proper way. Don't know if it was right or ever will be,
but my thoughts went to what to do now to help my family. You see, as a father and husband, the hardest
thing I have dealt with is failing.
Failing to protect my daughter.
As I look back on it, my failure was the reason for the
embarrassment. My kids, my family are a
reflection of me and ultimately of Jesus.
When something like this happens, you find out where you are in your
relationship or walk with the Lord. Is
your foundation or trust and well-being on your image of how people see you and
think of you and how things are going in your life, which is pride, or is it on
THE ROCK - JESUS?
QUESTIONS
As time
goes by and it sinks in, I started questioning how did this happen. Well the signs were there for sure, but I
ignored them. Some out of not knowing
how to handle the situation and others out of fear and others just didn't want
to look at them, you know, ignore them and they will go away, but even most of
all, didn't want to believe the signs.
DISAPPOINTMENTS
The
disappointment is for Kadie, herself. As
her father, I want what is best for her, for her to find a good man, settle
down and be a virgin when she is married, and to be in love and be happy. She would miss out on so much because of this
pregnancy.
THE BABY
Abortion
was never an option for us. (Let me stop
right here. The biological father wanted
the baby aborted. Thankful, Kadie had a
friend named Neely who told her not to, and Nick and Lisa, who are her mentors,
that would not have let her do that. To
them, I say thank you!!!) But what to do
and where to go from here was not my strong suit. Patti and I were in no position physically or
emotionally to take Brody for ourselves to raise him for Kadie. So then it became about what was best for
Kadie and Brody. The first mention of
adoption was a definite no way - it's not right. My first thought was this is not the
responsible thing to do and it didn't feel right. Patti and Kadie had many, and I mean many
conversations about what to do and the truth of the matter about Kadie's
ability to raise a child, and us not being the ones to do that. I mostly listened. About my only advise was to make a decision
and stick with it, settle it in your heart so we can proceed accordingly. Somewhere in there when Kadie decided that
adoption was what she was going to do, I accepted that idea and the grace of
God has helped me with that. But, in all this, one of my ways of coping with
the situations is to stay disconnected in a sense. Not getting vested, not taking Brody as my
grandchild. In blood he is, but in life
and seeing him and interacting with him, he is not. When I first saw him my
heart melted. He was so precious. I had the thought of this is a lot harder
than I thought it was going to be. But,
by the grace of God, I have been able to let him go.
ADOPTIVE FAMILY
They are
great. Like Kadie said, we just knew
they were the right family. They had a
great spirit about them. Some trusted
friends of ours spoke highly of them. (Let me take a moment right here. If it weren't for our friend whose name is
also Patti introducing us to this family, this would not be the same
story. This family was meant to be
Brody's family and God used our friend in such a mighty and wonderful way to
bring us together. To her, we will
always be grateful! God uses her more
than she knows, but this time, it was a BIGGY!!! Thank you, Patti Rosenow, for being open to
hearing God's voice and following his direction to make this all happen for
Brody…and for being there for us through the tears!!) Now back to the wonderful adoptive
family. Patti (talking about my wife
again) and the grandmother got along great and seeing the grandparents helped
in the transitioning a great deal. The
fact that Patti never meets a stranger is great and she is very honest and open
about everything. And Kadie is getting
like her more and more. They both asked
great questions and the family answered them honestly. As a father, I more wanted to make sure Kadie
was okay and settled in what she wanted and let her do what she wanted. The open adoption has been great with being
able to spend some time holding Brody and seeing pictures and updates. The adoptive family has been great with
that. I had my reservations about the
open adoption simply because of my disconnect from Brody. The closer I get to him, the harder I felt it
would be and that was a concern for Kadie I had. I mention this but left Kadie to make the
decision for I know she is the one that has to live with the decision she
makes. She knows what she needs and
since we had seen progress in Kadie and her determination on the open adoption,
I was okay with it. Because of the
unity in our family with even our son and daughter-in-law, we all were in
agreement that this was the family.
Nobody had a bad feeling.
MARRIAGE
Patti and
my marriage is great. Our personalities
compliment each other. Patti talks, I
listen, she gets it out there, she asks questions, I listen and observe. She is more of a disciplinary, strong-willed
type and I am more of the grace and mercy, at ease and quiet type. So for me, the biggest challenge was to balance
our personalities for I knew changes needed to happen, but how much and how
long. What perimeters or boundaries for
Kadie and deadlines for her to meet or goals to get her life in order. Taking responsibilities for her actions and
her cost. Questions arose had we been
too easy on Kadie or too hard? Had we
given her too much? The hardest decision
was to make Kadie find a place to stay by a certain deadline. That worked itself out because she moved in
with my mother due to her and Patti arguing so much. Kadie thought that would help their
relationship, which it did tremendously.
And, It helped me because I didn't want to pass the buck - make somebody
else pay for her actions when we were her parents, yet, knowing down deep it
had to be done for the better good. As
it turned out, I think it was the best thing done. It gave separation and allowed Kadie to stay
with my mom and they had some great talks.
It also gave Patti and me time together.
Ironically, also it seems like since Kadie moved out, we have seen a lot
more of her than when she was living with us.
Because we both love and care for each other, and for Kadie, we both
want what is best for Kadie so we are able to come to agreements about how strict
and how gracious to be. We came to agreements
and as the Bible says, the wife is our helpmate. We are together in this, parenting never
really stops, it just changes as the children grow.
FAMILY
When I told
Kadie's brother, Robbie, about her being pregnant, his reaction was lived up to
what I thought. He was very angry. As the father I knew I had to let him talk
and get it out but also had to give him a little background on some things I
had seen in Kadie's and his life. I have
a responsibility for Kadie and wanted to put that in perspective to him. Robbie did bring up some issues or lifestyles
in Kadie's life that I hadn't thought about also. He and Kadie are like their mom, full of
wisdom, and can talk, especially when they are emotional. One of the most impressive things Robbie said
was to Patti and me. That something like
this can tear a marriage apart and to make sure we spent time together and
watch out for that. This is something
Patti and I did do. We still had dates
and still do.
I was so
glad Robbie and Joanna were there for Kadie and us. They spent a lot of time with Kadie and
helped Patti and me, giving us breaks and knowing that Kadie was around people
that loved her.
I had
concerns how family would respond to finding out about Kadie's pregnancy and
was prepared to do what it took to protect Kadie from whatever. But, ultimately, our extended family has been
great from both sides, mine and Patti's.
Everybody, even our friends have been there and are supportive. From my perspective it has been challenging,
but out of all this, so far we have gotten closer to Kadie. She has grown and is involved and engaged in
making a difference. Train up a child
and when they are old, they will not depart from it. I guess Kadie is getting older, cause I can
see some of that in her. Without the
Lord, family and friends, I don't know how I would have made it through all
this. I cannot emphasis how much family , church friends , & coworkers
helped in their encouragement and prays and being there for me and my
family. I don't know how I would have
been emotionally without their support.
You see
ultimately it doesn't matter what Kadie does or has done, I will always love
her. I, as her father had to forgive her
and I believe forgave her right away. I
had to look at the way God looks at me.
How many times do I mess up and sin against my Father in heaven and the
same sins at that and He forgives me.
For I have known the Lord for a long time and having gone through this
with Kadie, it’s a great picture and help for me to realize if I being a man
can forgive and love Kadie after this, how much more shall God forgive Kadie
and myself. God loved us before we loved
Him. It's God's love and goodness that
leads men to repent. Kadie knew what she
did was wrong and that it was sin, but out of this we all still love her. My family and friends loved her, not just in
words, but in actions. Kadie has seen
that and that takes fear away, allows her to be able to come to Patti and me
with struggles and can keep going. She
can grow and take it day by day because she is not alone. As a father, I am for Kadie and if she can't
get me she has a Heavenly Father that loves her. And Brody has a Heavenly Father that loves him
so much He sent His only begotten Son to die for the world, so that whosoever
believes in Him shall not perish, but have Life. You see, God loves me and has forgiven me so
I can love Kadie and forgive her. We
love Brody in a way that is best for him.
He has a family that loves him no matter what.
So I trust
the Lord to keep us and to see us through whatever is in store for us. I take it one day at a time and hopefully I
can grown and be there for Kadie and Brody however I can because I love them
and I want what is best for both Kadie and Brody.
