His Post

I know it's been a while, but I have Walter's blog post.  As I told you before, he was adopted.  When we first started dating, this excited me.  We had both ends of the spectrum, the birthmother and the adopted son.  I thought this made our relationship beautiful!!  He did not see it this way... at first.

Here is a little bit of his story:

My name is Walter Edward Juskiewicz III and my relevance to this story is a small part of a mighty plan.  Proverbs 3 5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."  This is very important because until you fully trust the Lord your God with all your heart you will be lost, Forsaken and living life without a purpose. I too am adopted and for years I never understood the sacrifice my birth mother gave for me to have life. All my childhood I believed I was abandoned or left behind. I had hate in my heart and never had a desire to admit she did anything morally correct, nor ethnically correct. I believed she gave up on me. 

Well years of hate piled my heart, and I learned to disguise my anger and carried this burden for years until one day I was saved and declared the Lord Jesus Christ as my one and true God. Abba father. Within a year of declaring my faith I found Kadie Ballentine and started a relationship on December 13, 2013.  Within a year of meeting my Savior he put a God fearing woman in my life who has a son, but letting God deciding her footsteps ( proverbs 3 5-6), I quickly learned the sacrifice involved in placing your flesh and blood for adoption. The amount of trust you have to have to believe God that you are making the right choice if He leads you to adoption. You see on May 10th 2014, I attended a birth-Mother's Day luncheon with Kadie, and quickly saw her love for her child. Not only did I see her love,  but I also saw God's glory, because there were so many woman present suffering from not following in Gods plan. Seeing Kadie able to lead and tell her story with such boldness and conviction, and seeing God work through her, for me, was nothing short of amazing. She has completely changed my mind and given me a new found respect for my birth mother. 

Without God using Kadie's story I would still have hate in my heart.
1st John 3:15 says, "Everyone who hates his brother or sister is a murderer, and you know no murderer has eternal life abiding in him." So one decision from a bold, beautiful, amazing God-fearing woman has changed my life for the better, but also has changed many other lives along the way. You see there is no task too big or too small for our God. Jeremiah 1:5 says, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations."  So no matter how puny you think your job is, there is glory in it for Christ.

Walter

"I can't wait to see you!  It's been forever!"

"I can't wait either!  One of Terry's friends is here.  He saw your picture on Facebook and said you were pretty.  He wants to meet you."

"Umm... Okay.  Well I'm definitely not looking to meet anyone right now... So... yeah. But I still can't wait to see you.  I have to go to a dinner with my mom and Mrs. Pat and then I will head your way."

....After a great dinner with Mrs. Pat and my mom I head towards Amy's house, but on the way I call her to let her know....

HE answers the phone.

"Um hey, where's Amy?"

"She's in the bathroom.  She told me to answer if you called."

"Okay, well I am on my way, and I will be there in like 10 minutes."

"Yes ma'am.  I will tell her."  Yes ma'am?  What is that?

"Bye."

When I get there I go to the front door and knock, and HE answers the door.

"Uh, hey, where's Amy?"

"In her room.  You look nice."

"Thanks."  I barely responded as I whipped past him to visit with my dear friend who I had not seen in ages.

She and I talk and catch up on life-we have soo much to catch up on.  Walter decides to join our conversation.  Terry is in his own world so Walter decides to use the opportunity to get to know me.  I do my best to ignore him-or at least any part of him that is interested in me.

After a while it went from Amy and I talking to Walter and I talking... and talking...and talking.  When it was time to go he walked me to my car.  When I got home I sent a text to my friend Michelle telling her I had just met my future husband. 

Walter is the most amazing guy ever.  He treats me the way every girl should be treated.  He reminds me so much of my dad, which is a huge compliment.  He encourages me to stay close to Christ.  Because of the way that he loves me I finally understand (in a deeper way) why marriage is symbolic of Christ and the Church (even though we aren't married yet).  This allows me to realize in an even deeper way how much God loves me.  I am so thankful for him.  I cannot wait to be his wife and I am just amazed at how blessed I am to have him.

There are several reasons why our story is beautiful.  There's the way that he loves me.  There is also the fact that I wasn't looking for or wanting a relationship and he came out of nowhere.  When I was single and didn't want to be I would just roll my eyes when people said, "It will happen when you least expect it and when you aren't looking for it."  Now I tell all of my single friends the same thing... and then they roll their eyes at me.  

But the thing that I find most beautiful about our relationship is the fact that Walter was adopted. 

Robbie Ballentine

My brother and I have a great relationship!  We have most of our lives but there have been times when we didn't.  Thankfully God has brought restoration to us and we get along great!  We still cut up and goof off and have nice long chats about life and God and just everything.  My brother and his wife just recently had a baby, and now I am an aunt!!  I am so excited!  And I am also glad God has brought me to a place where I can be a good influence, role model, and example to my sweet sweet little nephew.  I'm thankful they don't have to figure out how to tell me they don't really want me spending time with him because I make bad decisions.  I am thankful I get to be a huge part of his life!

Anyway, I am SO thankful for my amazing brother.  He's awesome!  Here's a little bit of his perspective of everything that happened with me.  Hope you enjoy his story!

Being a brother comes with a great deal of responsibilities. Although I am younger than my sister, I still think of myself as her “big brother”. Looking out for your sister is a must, it’s something most feel lead to do and most are born with natural instincts to do so. But the truth is it is not as easy as it seems….

Kadie and I have always had a great relationship growing up. We shared secrets, stayed up late as kids to see if we could see the morning sun, made up countless number of ridiculous games…the list could go on and on. But like most siblings, we had our moments as well. Arguing about which shows to watch, who gets the last ‘String Cheese’, or trying to figure out what would annoy your sibling the most. Kadie thought it was funny to stare at me in the car. It drove me nuts, especially on long road trips.

But like most brother/sister relationships, our time together began to fade as we grew older. College years are tough for anyone. Trying to find who you are and what you want to be, the nonstop studying, balancing work, school and friends- it’s all exhausting.

Around the time I found out that Kadie was pregnant, mine and her relationship was probably at an all-time low. Not because we didn’t like each other, but because neither one of us truly tried to invest in the other person’s life. I loved my sister so much but we weren’t connecting like we were accustomed to. This is a huge regret of mine. When we did talk, I was more interested in lecturing her on her lifestyle choices than showing her the true compassion and love she needed. It wasn’t that I was giving bad advice; it was more that she didn’t need anymore “advice”. She knew what was right or wrong and she knew what she was doing was not God’s standard for us.

When I found out the news that Kadie was pregnant, I was devastated. She had crossed the line. Not only had I thought she had ruined her life, but I also thought she put a burden on so many other people. I was heartbroken. I was devastated that this bad choice would define our family for the rest of our lives. Kadie would struggle to make ends meet for the rest of her life, while our new empty nesting parents would take on the burden to care for the baby whenever possible.

I felt ashamed for my parents and was heartbroken. I began blaming myself. Maybe this would not have happened if I would have been more available to Kadie. I wasn’t there to protect her like a big brother should have been. I blamed myself, and hated what we had become. But little did I know what God was about to do in my family’s life.

I never realized how God could use terrible situations and turn them into to good ones. It was truly a miracle to see what God was able to do. Not only did this serve as a wakeup call for Kadie and the rest of the Ballentine clan, but it was an answered prayer for another family. A family who’s dream was to adopt. A family who knew the process could take years or might never happen. It was a blessing. Maybe it wasn’t God’s plan in the beginning, but he used our blunder to create a beautiful ending. This is very encouraging to me as it shows how merciful God really is. It was also satisfying to me to know that He can use my past doings to create new and wonderful things. His omniscient ways are more than we can fathom and the way he used Kadie’s situation is a true testament to that. I’ve enjoyed watching Kadie grow from this situation and use her wisdom to help others in similar situations to make great choices as it pertains to adoption.

I love my sister dearly and I’m so glad things worked out for her and her adopted family. She stayed faithful and this situation has brought a change in me and the way I look at things. Thanks Kadie for staying true to what you believe and staying strong when things were at their toughest. I love you and am very proud of you! You have a bright future ahead of you!

 

Side Note: One of my biggest personal struggles with the whole situation was my outlook at the baby’s father. I despised him. Having to forgive him in my heart has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I was able to forgive Kadie because I loved her deeply and cherished our relationship. That was not the same for the father. It was a wound that I wasn’t sure would heal and he was the reason for my pain. As God has done many times in my life, he softened my heart. I was able to forgive the father for what he had done. I encourage anyone who struggles with forgiveness to ask God to soften their heart as well. Then end result is something that can’t be explained. Forgiveness is a wonderful thing and can bring you closer to your Heavenly Father!

Life Line Webinar

Tuesday, May 27, I participated in a Webinar held by LifeLine.  Below is the link to the video.  Just copy and paste it into your browser! Hope you enjoy!

P.S.-Deborah's story is also incredibly amazing!  It was a great joy meeting and hearing another birthmother's story and seeing God's amazing work! 


http://new.livestream.com/lifelinechild/events/3019520

Birth-Mother's Day

As I quickly mentioned in my last post I was asked to speak at the annual Birth-Mother's Day luncheon hosted by Lifeline this year.  Lifeline is an adoption agency and every year they do a luncheon for birth-mothers on the day before Mother's Day.  This event is a huge blessing.  It's nice to be remembered and honored as a birth-mother.  We are easily forgotten since we are not mothers in a traditional way.  

Here is what I said:

As a single woman whose life was nowhere near together in anyway I experienced a countless number of emotions when I found out I was pregnant. Fear, joy, shame, guilt, anxiety; the list goes on and on. But the 2 I want to focus on right now are anger and confusion. Although I had no right to be angry (I mean I did partake in the actions that cause pregnancy) I was so mad! I couldn't understand why this was happening!

There are women all over the world that long for the joy of having children and they are unable to. Then you have me-I didn't want to be pregnant; nor did I have anything to offer a child. I wasn't in a place where I could take care of a child. So why on Earth was I the one pregnant instead of a woman who wanted to be? The answer: because God knows what He is doing.

As difficult as adoption can be, it's also beautiful if you allow it to be. This experience has been the hardest, yet most rewarding experience of my life.

I didn't know what to do when I found out I was pregnant. I tried everything in my power to keep my child and raise him myself, but that clearly wasn't God's will. I remember about three months before I was due I was talking to my mom about how I felt like adoption was the right thing to do but I didn't know if I could do it this far in. She responded by saying, “If you disobey God you can't expect Him to honor that disobedience. No good can come from it and you be will doing yourself and your child a disservice if you walk in disobedience.” I knew what I had to do-but that doesn't change that fact that it was scary and sad and heartbreaking. Not only that, but how was I going to find the perfect family for MY CHILD in such a short time? God was faithful. After only ONE meeting with Brody's adoptive family we knew they were it!

We decided on an open adoption plan and when I had Brody he stayed in the hospital with me. Until this point I was handling everything pretty well. Then came the day for Brody to go home with his family and for me to go home alone. Oh how empty I felt! I know that every birth-mother in this room know that words cannot do justice to the pain and heartbreak you feel going home from the hospital without your child. Every morning when I woke up I longed for bedtime again so I could escape it all. It was hard.

About a week after I had Brody I went to dinner with an old friend. She gave me the GREATEST advice. She said, “I can't imagine what you must be going through-but don't glorify your problem more than you glorify God.” Wow! So much wisdom in one little statement. I decided to take her advice. Everyday I prayed the words, “God heal my heart and let me let you”. At first I'd pray it for hours at a time with tears streaming down my face until one day-about a month later-my prayer had changed to “God thank you for healing my heart!”

If you know from experience how hard placing your child with an adoptive family can be, then you can see that only the supernatural power of a very real God can bring that kind of healing that fast. I'm not a mommy, but I am a mother. I love my son completely, deeply, and unconditionally. I miss him and think about him every single day. And although there are days I feel the sting of not having him with me everyday, I don't hurt anymore. Truly-almost immediately God did a supernatural healing in my heart.

Brody is a cherished blessing to his family and that comforts my heart. As I said before adoption is a beautiful thing. It paints a picture of Christ's love-for He has chosen us and adopted us as His children. Through my adoption story I have gained an understanding of what it means to not only be a believer, but to be a cherished child of God. Through this journey of healing I have experienced the hands-on and active work of my loving Savior. By personally knowing the love a mother has for her child I now better realize the love Christ has for me and therefore my trust, faith, honor, respect, intimacy, and love for Him has grown immensely and continues to do so. He steadies my heart no matter how bad or how hard a situation is. And because of His faithfulness and love, He has won my heart.

Agape-My Faith Family

So Sunday was Mothers Day.  On Saturday I went to a Birth-Mothers Day luncheon, which I was asked to speak at.  Don't worry, a post about that is definitely coming soon.  It was a great day, and a big blessing.  However, Mothers Day was also a blessing.

At church they had all the children come to the front and they asked all the mothers to stand or raise their hands.  They told the children to give a rose to all the moms.  Since none of the children have ever seen me with a child, I would have confused them if I would have stood up.  I felt a little awkward so I just stayed seated.  I was looking around as all the moms were getting their roses... and the next thing I knew, our worship leader brought me a rose and gave me a hug.  Several women came over and hugged me and gave me lots of encouragement.  Even my pastor came over and gave me an uplifting word.  

I am so blessed!  I was overwhelmed and just started crying.  Not out of sadness, but out of awe.  The way people love at my church is amazing and comforting and real.  I was overwhelmed by a feeling of love.  Through my faith family Christ was loving on me and it was unexpected.  It was great to be recognized as a mother on Mothers Day.  It was great to be loved on by my fellow church members.  It was just a huge blessing.  Thank you guys so much!

Adoption and My Spirit

This situation has played a huge role on my spiritual life.  In the best ways!  Here are some of the ways:

1. Walk-The-Walk

I've always proclaimed to have faith and trust in Christ.  Saying it and doing it are two different things.  This was not the first time I've had to actually back-up my words with actions, but it was definitely one of toughest; and somehow, the easiest.  I trust that I don't have to worry about Brody because I know He is with the family God wants him with.  I don't have to worry about his salvation or well-being; his health or his happiness.  I know that the Lord is watching over Him.  I can trust Christ more than any other human-being, especially myself.  He knows what He is doing and He is in control.  Therefore, Brody is in the best hands.

2. God is a Hands-On God

Again, it's something I've always known but now I've experienced it in a way I never have before.  God CARES about our situations.  Sometimes things don't go the way we think they should, and sometimes bad things happen.  But that doesn't mean that we are alone or that He doesn't understand what we are going through.  He is active in our lives and situations.  He is constantly revealing Himself in every situation we face-we just have to be willing to see it.  God orchestrates everything for our good and His glory.  Nothing He does is by accident and nothing we do or face surprises Him.  That should comfort us!

3.   Holy Father

I wrote a blog-post entitled "God The Father" where I talked about how until now it has always been difficult for me to see God as a Father.  But He is our Father!  We are the children of God as believers.  How refreshing is that?  I can go before my Lord and Savior as my loving Father.  I've always felt like it was disrespectful to be that comfortable with Him.  But I respect my earthly father, so it's not.  That honor and reverence for Him will always be there, but I'm not scared to approach Him.  I'm excited to approach Him.  It's such a refreshing feeling and I am certain that Christ also rejoices in my recent revelation of another role He plays in my life.  

There are so many other ways this whole situation has impacted me spiritually.  These are just some of the highlights.  Our God is an awesome God.  Our God is an intentional God.  Our God is involved in our lives.  Our God loves us so deeply and intimately we can't even begin to fully fathom it.  I am so thankful for how He has worked in my life!
 

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Dear Brody,

You turned one today.  I can't believe it has been a year already.  Your mom sent me pictures of you smashing your cake.  It looked like you were having a blast!  After the way you were about the cookie when I saw you in December I am sure you were in heaven with a whole cake in front of you!  And, ok, it's so not fair how photogenic you are. :) You take the cutest pictures.  You look like a professional model at one year old-its crazy.  I guess I can take some credit for that since I made you.  You are already walking-good job!  You are getting through several milestones already.  Potty training-that one is going to be fun.  I see you doing well at that one too though.

I've also had a lot happen in the past year and overcome a lot.  I ran a 5k...with obstacles; it was a lot of work, but really fun.  I started a new wonderful full-time job!  I went over a year without dating-and enjoyed it!  Then I met a guy and am in the first healthy, happy, balanced, Godly relationship I've ever had.  It's a very nice change.  He's pretty awesome.  He treats me amazingly well!   

I have a wonderful support group.  My boyfriend, friends, family, and co-workers all asked how I was with today being your birthday.  Joanna and Aunt Susie are in the hospital and they even thought of me.  That was incredibly sweet!  I greatly appreciate my loved ones and how supportive they have been through all of this.  I miss you every single day.  Your birthday is another day that I miss you and wish I could see you and play with you and make you laugh.  However, I can't do that everyday.  But someone is-you are laughing and playing and you feel safe and loved and secure and happy.  So, although it's not easy being away from you.  I am ok.  God did a powerful, permanent healing work in my heart.  That doesn't mean I don't love you or miss you or think about you-because I do.  It just means that I have peace about where you are.  I hope that makes sense to you.  

I am so excited about all of your birthdays to come.  I can't wait to see how you change and grow each year!  I love you so much!  Happy Birthday sweet boy!  

Love, 

Me.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Dear Brody,

I saw you today!!!  You were sooo adorable!!  I took you and your brother a present. The night before I asked what each of you liked.  Your mom told me that you liked anything that lights up and has buttons on it.  I thought to myself, "Me too!!"  haha!  You seemed to like the present, you played with yours and your brothers.  

You were so cute!  You are a people watcher for sure.  I'm really nosy too.  Seriously. Ask anyone.  But yeah, any time there was any movement anywhere, you were scoping out the situation.  You were also serious about some food.  You're brother had a cookie and you were staring it down!  It was funny.  

You let me hold you and kiss you and tell you I loved you.  You were smiling the whole time.  You were so precious!  I am so excited to see you grow into a little boy and a then a young man and then a man.  It's going to be a beautiful journey! 

You are soo precious!  And that time with you was precious.  I missed you so much as soon as we left.  It was bittersweet.  My biggest concern is and always will be your happiness and well-being.  It was so great to see you happy, and to see you feel safe and loved.   That is priceless to me.  I didn't want to leave you though.  You are so precious and I love you so much.  You light up the room with life and laughter and love.  I didn't want to be away from you.  But I knew it was necessary.  However, I still have peace because you are well taken care of.  You have a beautiful family.  You are so loved and so adored by so many.

I hope you know that even though I am not around often, I think of you everyday.  I love you with all my heart.  I miss you at every moment.  I don't worry about you though.  You are in great hands, and that gives my heart joy.

I love you so much and I can't wait to see you again next year.  I hate that I have to wait a year-but I am soo blessed to get that time with you and I cherish every second of it.  I love you.

Love always,

Me!

 

The Love of My Life

Tomorrow is December 28, 2013.  I finally get to see my sweet sweet baby again!  He will be ten months and one day old.  He's going to be so big!  He had so much personality when he was born, and now it is going to be that much bigger!  I can't wait to see how much he has grown-I've seen pictures, but I can't wait to see him in the flesh.  I can't wait to hold him and look into his beautiful eyes!!  It's going to be great!  

While I am so excited, I am also terrified.  What if he rejects me?  What if he doesn't remember who I am? What if... what if... what if... All of the normal rational things that very well may happen, because he is just a baby.  Those things terrify me.  But that is ok.  It is worth it to see my sweet love.

I will definitely be posting soon to let you know how it goes!!  Stick around guys! 

God The Father

This is going to be a long post but bare with me!

I originally wasn't going to include this in my post, but I feel like it flows well with what I want to say so I will.  I attend Agape Baptist and I absolutely LOVE my church.  We have gospel communities and the one I attend meets every other Friday.  

Picture from Agapepinson.com

Currently our Gospel Community group has been focusing on how God desires believers to interact with one another, love one another, and the types of relationships they should have.  Tonight we talked about how to truly disciple children.   Here are some of the highlights:

1. Lead by example.  Do not just tell your children what you expect from them, but do the things you want them to do and avoid the things you don't want them to do.

2.  Repent to your children if you wrong them and be willing to repent in front of your children if they see you sin.

3.  Train a child in the way they should go.  Raise them with the values and lessons they need for their whole lives.  Give them the tools to make the right decisions when they have to make them without you.

4. Take advantage of the moments in everyday life when you can point them to Christ and show His hands-on activity in day to day experiences.

5.  Tell your children you love them and are proud of them just because of who they are, not just when they've done something to "earn" it.  Show them unconditional love.

6.  This one was huge.  There is a difference between punishment and discipline.  If you look at the new testament, Jesus endured the PUNISHMENT we deserve.  God doesn't punish us, but He disciplines us because he loves us.

      A. Punishment: has an aspect of revenge; action=consequence

      B. Discipline: pointing a person in the right direction towards improvement;                             done in love

There was ALOT more included in the conversation, but this is my summary. 

It's funny because you often think of parents being proud of their children. However, the whole time we had this discussion, all I could think about was how proud of my parents I was!  I have the most amazing family in the world.  And my parents did things right in raising us.  I remember them doing all of these things growing up.  I remember every time we got a spanking or disciplined it started with an explanation of why it's wrong and it was followed with a hug and an I love you.  My parents truly discipled us  and raised us in a Godly and biblical way.  They loved us unconditionally.  We may not have realized it in the moments as children, but looking back it is clear they always had our best interest in mind!

Now I am going to narrow in on my Dad a little more.  I have always been a daddy's girl.  My dad and I still, to this day, go out on "dates".  We have long talks late into the night.  We laugh at things nobody else does.  He is the most amazing man I know.  I love my dad so much!  I am so thankful for him.  

Picture from vimeo.com

 

God/Jesus plays many different roles in our lives-husband, master, friend, Lord, Savior, and also Father.  I have never felt the need to see God as my heavenly father.  I have often pointed other people to that, especially people who don't have their fathers in their lives for whatever reason.  But I do have my dad-and he's the best dad ever.  So I didn't ever feel the need to look at God as a father. I say this humbly as well.  I battle with whether or not that is right or wrong.  However, I do see him that way now.  

It's always been easy for me to see Him as master and Lord.  Unfortunately it hasn't always been properly balanced, and so therefore I tried to earn His love/approval.  After having a child of my own, I understand how He loves me a little more.  There is NOT A THING Brody could do to make me stop loving him.  He could become a rapist and a murderer-and I would be completely disappointed in him, but I would still love him.  That could literally never change.  I've always "known" God loved me unconditionally, but to realize it and experience it is a completely different thing.  To know that I can approach God the way I can approach my dad is so liberating.  It helps me to trust Him more in knowing that even if He gets disappointed from time to time and has to discipline me, it will always be surrounded by love.  As I realize He sees me as His child and He adores me, I don't have to worry.  I don't have to struggle with the pressure of what I do.  I can rest in what Christ has done.  I can be free from myself and works and religion.  I am free to love Him and be loved by Him.  A huge weight has been lifted.  I am a free child of my precious heavenly Father.

 

The Iron Bowl

So the great thing about living a life following Christ is that you never fully arrive.  The farther I come, the more I grow and improve, the more I realize I will never stop needing to grow and improve.  Not only that, but I NEVER would have thought God would have used a football game to gently humble me.  

 Picture from en.wikipedia.org

As most of you know, along with the Thanksgiving weekend we also had the annual Iron Bowl.  It was intense to say the least.  Alabama made a lot of mistakes and Auburn, who is just incredibly lucky, brought the competition.  I'm not mad that they won.  I was mad at the referees.  The game was very close the whole way through, and there were some game-changing calls that screwed Alabama up completely.   I didn't feel like it was a fair game, and I would love to know who would have won the fair version of that game.  So what's the point?

Like I said, I was very mad at the referees.  I automatically assumed they were dirty.  They had to be getting paid from someone else to throw the game.  I've noticed that as I have gotten older I have no faith in people with power.  My assumption of every single politician in this world is that they are dirty, unhonorable, scandalous, untrustworthy, etc.  I have always looked for the best in people, but for whatever reason I have been completely and irrationally judgmental on those I honestly don't really know anything about. 

I realized this after "seeing" myself react to the game on Saturday.  In the game there were clearly and indisputably bad calls.  However, it could have been honest mistakes.  It doesn't automatically mean the officiators did that on purpose.  There are so many problems in our government, it is ridiculous.  That doesn't mean that every politician is crooked.  However, what I realized this weekend is that even if they are, it DOESN'T MATTER!!  

The honest truth of the matter is I'm no better than the worst of the worst and neither are you.  The truth is that those of us who have been saved had to be rescued from ourselves.  The truth is that there is an active, living, and sovereign God who knows all of our hearts and our intentions.  He knows the ones with good intentions and the ones with bad intentions.  I don't need to know.  I just need to trust him.  As the only one who can control anything, He is the only one who needs to know anyway.  So, I don't have to worry about the crooked politicians, or the unfair games and life circumstances.  I just have to trust my Savior.

I say all of this to say that I hope Brody doesn't grow up with the same cynical mindset as me.  I think it is getting more and more difficult not to be that way.  Things are slowly getting worse and worse.  I hope he can stay strong through the immorality, but also in a love for others that is balanced with wisdom.  That is my hope for him.

 

I'm A Warrior!

So, I mentioned in previous posts that I wanted to get into shape.  I've been running and working out a lot.  I went from not running at all ever (except for when you had to "run" a mile in PE in school) to running a 5k!  yay!  Granted, I run at a very slow pace, but now that we have accomplished the distance, we are working on the speed. 

Anyway, my cousin, his wife, my brother and I did the Warrior Dash on November 2 of this year.  It's not just a 5K run, but it's also filled with crazy intense obstacles (at least for me; they were nothing for my brother).  I did them all and I ran the whole thing!

Warriordash.com logo

 

I feel so accomplished after completing it!  If you feel up to, you should visit their site, and see all the crazy obstacles.  It was so much fun!  And I have to give a huge shout-out to my brother Robbie.  He encouraged me and coached me all the way through it.  If it weren't for him I would have never accomplished it.

 

Now I am working on getting faster.  I'm enjoying (and hating at the same time) the process of getting stronger and building endurance.  

 

If you have goals, do the work to reach them!  It is completely worth it.  Everytime we are working out my brother says, "If it was easy, everyone would do it."  Stand out.  Don't give up on yourself.  YOU CAN DO IT!

 

A Daughter's Response

My previous post was a post written by my dad and his response to the whole situation.  The specific part I want to respond to is where he said this:

"As a believer in Jesus, I wanted to respond in the proper way.  Don't know if it was right or ever will be, but my thoughts went to what to do now to help my family.  You see, as a father and husband, the hardest thing I have dealt with is failing.  Failing to protect my daughter.  As I look back on it, my failure was the reason for the embarrassment.  My kids, my family are a reflection of me and ultimately of Jesus.  When something like this happens, you find out where you are in your relationship or walk with the Lord.  Is your foundation or trust and well-being on your image of how people see you and think of you and how things are going in your life, which is pride, or is it on THE ROCK - JESUS?"

It breaks my heart that my father sees MY failures as HIS failures.  However, that is a great dad's heart, and I have the greatest dad in the world.  However, this was not his fault in ANY way. He couldn't have changed it.  I am stubborn, and God had to allow things to happen to get my attention.

You see, I have a very strong-willed, independent personality.  I have ALWAYS struggled with the balance between faith and works.  Faith without works is dead, but we are saved by grace through faith alone.  My issue is, I wanted to get myself right, and then go to God perfect and flawless.  That's not how it works.  If I could do it without God, I wouldn't need him and He wouldn't be who He is.  So, right before I got pregnant, I was doing pretty good.  However, I was doing it in my own strength instead of my Saviors.  As much as I hate all the heart-ache I have caused those I love, I am thankful for my story and my heartaches, because without them, I would still be religious without even realizing it.  I hate "religion" and I was doing it in complete oblivion.  I was studying the word and trying to be a "good" Christian, but not really depending on my Savior.  That's pointless.  

God used this situation for great, amazing things!  I have focused more on my relationship with God than my works, more on what Christ did than what I do, and more on what I can do for my Savior than what He can do for me.  That's what we are supposed to do, and it took this to get me here, so it is completely worth it in my eyes.  

I am so thankful for my father's heart, but so broken at the thought of him seeing himself as a failure in my weaknesses and the journey God had to take me on.  However, if he sees my failures as his, he has to see my successes as his also.  So, he should feel very proud at this point!  Not because I am great, but because God has done a great, powerful, hands-on evident work in my life, and is continuing to do it!  I am so thankful for my families love and patience with me-which is just a tiny reflection of the love and patience our Lord and Savior has for us as well.

A Father's Perspective

Here is something my dad wrote giving his perspective from the whole situation.  Thanks dad!

A DAD'S PERSPECTIVE

            When Kadie first told Patti and me, it was disbelief, I was waiting for the punch line.  But then I realized it was no joke and she was pregnant.  It was definitely one of those surreal moments. I couldn't believe this was happening, I was in shock.  Of  course all the emotions of anger, sadness, rage, disappointment and embarrassment were there.   Yes, embarrassment.  I had been in church long enough and had been judgmental  enough to know  now it is mine and my family's turn to be judged. 

            As I was learning to deal with the shock and anger and disappointment of the pregnancy itself, I had to deal with the anger towards the biological father….I wanted to lay into him physically and at the very least verbally.  And that disappointment I had in Kadie, because she knew better.  And, I knew the hurt that Kadie was going to go through.  And then the thought of does she even realize what or how this effects more than just her. 

            As a believer in Jesus, I wanted to respond in the proper way.  Don't know if it was right or ever will be, but my thoughts went to what to do now to help my family.  You see, as a father and husband, the hardest thing I have dealt with is failing.  Failing to protect my daughter.  As I look back on it, my failure was the reason for the embarrassment.  My kids, my family are a reflection of me and ultimately of Jesus.  When something like this happens, you find out where you are in your relationship or walk with the Lord.  Is your foundation or trust and well-being on your image of how people see you and think of you and how things are going in your life, which is pride, or is it on THE ROCK - JESUS?

           

QUESTIONS

            As time goes by and it sinks in, I started questioning how did this happen.  Well the signs were there for sure, but I ignored them.  Some out of not knowing how to handle the situation and others out of fear and others just didn't want to look at them, you know, ignore them and they will go away, but even most of all, didn't want to believe the signs.

DISAPPOINTMENTS

            The disappointment is for Kadie, herself.  As her father, I want what is best for her, for her to find a good man, settle down and be a virgin when she is married, and to be in love and be happy.  She would miss out on so much because of this pregnancy.

THE BABY

            Abortion was never an option for us.  (Let me stop right here.  The biological father wanted the baby aborted.  Thankful, Kadie had a friend named Neely who told her not to, and Nick and Lisa, who are her mentors, that would not have let her do that.  To them, I say thank you!!!)  But what to do and where to go from here was not my strong suit.  Patti and I were in no position physically or emotionally to take Brody for ourselves to raise him for Kadie.  So then it became about what was best for Kadie and Brody.  The first mention of adoption was a definite no way - it's not right.  My first thought was this is not the responsible thing to do and it didn't feel right.  Patti and Kadie had many, and I mean many conversations about what to do and the truth of the matter about Kadie's ability to raise a child, and us not being the ones to do that.  I mostly listened.  About my only advise was to make a decision and stick with it, settle it in your heart so we can proceed accordingly.  Somewhere in there when Kadie decided that adoption was what she was going to do, I accepted that idea and the grace of God has helped me with that. But, in all this, one of my ways of coping with the situations is to stay disconnected in a sense.  Not getting vested, not taking Brody as my grandchild.  In blood he is, but in life and seeing him and interacting with him, he is not. When I first saw him my heart melted.  He was so precious.  I had the thought of this is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.  But, by the grace of God, I have been able to let him go.

ADOPTIVE FAMILY

            They are great.  Like Kadie said, we just knew they were the right family.  They had a great spirit about them.  Some trusted friends of ours spoke highly of them. (Let me take a moment right here.  If it weren't for our friend whose name is also Patti introducing us to this family, this would not be the same story.  This family was meant to be Brody's family and God used our friend in such a mighty and wonderful way to bring us together.  To her, we will always be grateful!  God uses her more than she knows, but this time, it was a BIGGY!!!  Thank you, Patti Rosenow, for being open to hearing God's voice and following his direction to make this all happen for Brody…and for being there for us through the tears!!)  Now back to the wonderful adoptive family.  Patti (talking about my wife again) and the grandmother got along great and seeing the grandparents helped in the transitioning a great deal.  The fact that Patti never meets a stranger is great and she is very honest and open about everything.  And Kadie is getting like her more and more.  They both asked great questions and the family answered them honestly.  As a father, I more wanted to make sure Kadie was okay and settled in what she wanted and let her do what she wanted.  The open adoption has been great with being able to spend some time holding Brody and seeing pictures and updates.  The adoptive family has been great with that.  I had my reservations about the open adoption simply because of my disconnect from Brody.  The closer I get to him, the harder I felt it would be and that was a concern for Kadie I had.  I mention this but left Kadie to make the decision for I know she is the one that has to live with the decision she makes.  She knows what she needs and since we had seen progress in Kadie and her determination on the open adoption, I was okay with it.   Because of the unity in our family with even our son and daughter-in-law, we all were in agreement that this was the family.  Nobody had a bad feeling.

MARRIAGE

            Patti and my marriage is great.  Our personalities compliment each other.  Patti talks, I listen, she gets it out there, she asks questions, I listen and observe.  She is more of a disciplinary, strong-willed type and I am more of the grace and mercy, at ease and quiet type.   So for me, the biggest challenge was to balance our personalities for I knew changes needed to happen, but how much and how long.  What perimeters or boundaries for Kadie and deadlines for her to meet or goals to get her life in order.  Taking responsibilities for her actions and her cost.  Questions arose had we been too easy on Kadie or too hard?  Had we given her too much?  The hardest decision was to make Kadie find a place to stay by a certain deadline.  That worked itself out because she moved in with my mother due to her and Patti arguing so much.  Kadie thought that would help their relationship, which it did tremendously.  And, It helped me because I didn't want to pass the buck - make somebody else pay for her actions when we were her parents, yet, knowing down deep it had to be done for the better good.  As it turned out, I think it was the best thing done.  It gave separation and allowed Kadie to stay with my mom and they had some great talks.  It also gave Patti and me time together.  Ironically, also it seems like since Kadie moved out, we have seen a lot more of her than when she was living with us.  Because we both love and care for each other, and for Kadie, we both want what is best for Kadie so we are able to come to agreements about how strict and how gracious to be.  We came to agreements and as the Bible says, the wife is our helpmate.  We are together in this, parenting never really stops, it just changes as the children grow.

FAMILY

            When I told Kadie's brother, Robbie, about her being pregnant, his reaction was lived up to what I thought.  He was very angry.  As the father I knew I had to let him talk and get it out but also had to give him a little background on some things I had seen in Kadie's and his life.  I have a responsibility for Kadie and wanted to put that in perspective to him.  Robbie did bring up some issues or lifestyles in Kadie's life that I hadn't thought about also.  He and Kadie are like their mom, full of wisdom, and can talk, especially when they are emotional.  One of the most impressive things Robbie said was to Patti and me.  That something like this can tear a marriage apart and to make sure we spent time together and watch out for that.  This is something Patti and I did do.  We still had dates and still do.

            I was so glad Robbie and Joanna were there for Kadie and us.  They spent a lot of time with Kadie and helped Patti and me, giving us breaks and knowing that Kadie was around people that loved her.

            I had concerns how family would respond to finding out about Kadie's pregnancy and was prepared to do what it took to protect Kadie from whatever.  But, ultimately, our extended family has been great from both sides, mine and Patti's.  Everybody, even our friends have been there and are supportive.  From my perspective it has been challenging, but out of all this, so far we have gotten closer to Kadie.  She has grown and is involved and engaged in making a difference.  Train up a child and when they are old, they will not depart from it.  I guess Kadie is getting older, cause I can see some of that in her.  Without the Lord, family and friends, I don't know how I would have made it through all this. I cannot emphasis how much family , church friends , & coworkers helped in their encouragement and prays and being there for me and my family.  I don't know how I would have been emotionally without their support.

            You see ultimately it doesn't matter what Kadie does or has done, I will always love her.  I, as her father had to forgive her and I believe forgave her right away.  I had to look at the way God looks at me.  How many times do I mess up and sin against my Father in heaven and the same sins at that and He forgives me.  For I have known the Lord for a long time and having gone through this with Kadie, it’s a great picture and help for me to realize if I being a man can forgive and love Kadie after this, how much more shall God forgive Kadie and myself.  God loved us before we loved Him.  It's God's love and goodness that leads men to repent.  Kadie knew what she did was wrong and that it was sin, but out of this we all still love her.  My family and friends loved her, not just in words, but in actions.  Kadie has seen that and that takes fear away, allows her to be able to come to Patti and me with struggles and can keep going.  She can grow and take it day by day because she is not alone.  As a father, I am for Kadie and if she can't get me she has a Heavenly Father that loves her.  And Brody has a Heavenly Father that loves him so much He sent His only begotten Son to die for the world, so that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have Life.  You see, God loves me and has forgiven me so I can love Kadie and forgive her.  We love Brody in a way that is best for him.  He has a family that loves him no matter what.

            So I trust the Lord to keep us and to see us through whatever is in store for us.  I take it one day at a time and hopefully I can grown and be there for Kadie and Brody however I can because I love them and I want what is best for both Kadie and Brody.